Joy of the Envelope
by Paddywhack
Summary: James, Sirius, Remus, Lily & Snape - with the occasional diary entry from Peter - have to write letters to people in a muggle school, and they get some rather funny replies, from interesting characters. Hope you like it.
1. Notice board

SCHOOL NOTICE

All students in sixth-year taking Muggle Studies will be required to write letters to a muggle person from an opposing school. The person you receive will be selected at random, and you are required to tell them as much about yourself (whilst not breaking any of the rules listed below) as possible, for part of your Muggle Studies examination, which shall contribute to your N.E.W.T grade at the end of next year. Professors will not be required to read your letters – unless there is a rumour of serious breach of the rules – in order to keep them strictly between you and your recipient. At the end of this experiment, you shall write an essay on what you have learnt from your pen-pal, and what, in turn, you think that they have learnt from you. This will work in co-operation with the students of Bromfield high school's Sociology lessons. You shall be expected to treat your recipient with respect, and if you refuse to write to your pen-pal, or "give up" halfway through the term, you shall receive no mark, thus lowering your overall N.E.W.T grade. You will be given the address to send the letters to in your next Muggle Studies class, instructions on what to do, guidelines for subjects you may wish to talk about, and your professor shall answer any further questions you may have then.

Rules

No revealing _**anything **_about wizardry, magic, or any other element of our world.

No threats of violence, or death.

No swearing or abusive language.

No mention of 'Merlin', or any other wizard personnel. E.g. "Merlin's beard!"

No arrangements to meet up.

No sexual terms to be used in these letters.

Any other means of bullying will _**not **_be tolerated.

Sexual harassment or any sort of violation towards female or male pupils is banned.

Do not speak of other students or professors at this school in a bad light.

If your pen-pal tells you to leave them alone, and stop writing, **do this**. Do not continue to write them numerous letters, thus being labelled 'a stalker'.

If you do not abide by these rules, not only could you possibly be putting a serious risk on the world as we know it, you could also face expulsion and/or Azkaban, depending on how bad the crime at hand is. Strict measurements will have to be taken to ensure that this does not happen, for example letters being read before they are sent out, however there is a restriction to this rule, and we may just have to go on blind trust alone in some cases.

That said, have fun, and enjoy your pen-pal and learning all about muggle schools while you can!

Yours faithfully,

Professor McGonagall.

* * *

_Lmao... it's written like this book I read, Finding Cassie Crazy, like all of the chapters are going to be either notices or letters etc. Sirius, James, Remus, Lily & Snape are gonna be writing the letters, and I know none of them would take Muggle Studies in 6th year, but yeah soz about that :/ The next chapter is the proper thing with the letters from Hogwarts to the other school. Bromfield high school, did I call it?  
Hope you like the rest of the story :D  
And I apologise for my long absence from fanfiction! x_


	2. Hogwarts

**Chapter 1  
Letters from Hogwarts to Bromfield High**

Dear girl (hopefully),  
My name is Sirius (pronounced Si-re-us, not seeeerious) Orion (pronounced Or-EYEy-on) Black. And I don't care how amusing you find that fact, because it's the truth. I don't really see why I have to write this stupid letter, but there are a few questions I've been told to answer/tell you about/ask you.  
You already know my name, so I guess that's done with. So, what's your name? I'm a 16-year-old male (get me, I'm sexually legal!) who enjoys girls, physical activities with girls, pranking people with my best friend and partner-in-crime, James Potter, hanging out with my cousin Andromeda, and an unusual 'sport' beginning with a rarely-used letter. I dislike shopping with my family, Snivellus, going places with my family, Evans when she rejects James, certain oddities who like to eat death (haha, you _so _won't get that), my family in general, reading, writing, doing school work, and anything that requires me to use my brain. What are a few of your interests?  
How cheesy does this letter sound! But McGonagall (gotta love 'er) made us write this, and I'm reckoning she'll check and double-check mine for any rules broken. I haven't exactly got the best track record when it comes to... well, anything.  
Knowing Minnie (McGonagall), you're probably almost definitely of the male species, but just in case... are you hot? ;)  
I am. I'm very sexy, as many girls have told me, and I have beautiful dark brown hair, and even more beautiful grey eyes. Around half of my girlfriends have told me that my best features are my hair and eyes, but the other half, who have gotten a bit further, have strongly disagreed, and think that something else is my best feature... if you get my drift ;) But yeah, I am extremely good-looking and beautiful and handsome and just generally wonderful. My other best mate, Remus, is currently reading over my shoulder and getting disgusted by me. He's just jealous. Plus, his letter is a total **lie**. He _hates _swimming.  
So that brings me to the subject of my best friends: James, Remus, and Peter. Obviously, I have many, many more friends, as I am an extremely popular person, and most people love me. I even have my own fan club! But anyway, James is my brother from another mother, and I live with him and his family, as my family are rotten to the core. He has the best ideas for pranks, and is completely and utterly obsessed with this useless girl called Evans. Well, Lily Evans. She has a friend called Cecilia Jenkins, and James and I like to collectively make their lives hell. Only James has gone soft on Evans as of late. Remus is the bookworm of the four of us, and is constantly disapproving of anything he possibly can. He's also very helpful when it comes to the brain-part of pranks. Although James would be equally good, could he be bothered. And then there's Peter; he's pretty cool when he wants to be. And together we create the marauders. Yeah.  
I'm relatively clever, I'd say, but who can be bothered with school work?! All the professors I've ever had always moan on about my 'wasted potential', but I don't really see what their problem is. 'Least I turn up for their stupid lessons. At times. They should think themselves lucky.  
Last subject; family. My mum hates me, my dad hates me, my brother Regulus hates me, my aunts hate me, my uncles hate me, and all my cousins but one hate me. You?

Reply, yeah yeah?  
Sirius.

*

Hey,  
I'm James Potter, Quidditch champion, marauder, and prankster extraordinaire. I'm 16-years-old, and I like girls, Quidditch, food, Lily Evans (my soon-to-be-girlfriend), my friends, pranks, and Transfiguration. I do hope you have no idea what I'm chatting about here. I hate Potions, Snivellus, Slughorn, Quidditch-haters, Slytherins, and my best friend Sirius' family, who are all/_were _all Slytherins.  
I play Quidditch, eat, sleep, do school work at times, hang out with my best friends, and generally devote my life to my future-wife, Evans.  
I am around 6ft1, and I am incredibly handsome. Many girls fancy me, and they have even taken to stalking me at certain points of my life. I have hazel eyes, and ulta-sexy, ultra-messy black hair.  
Best friends; Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Sirius is an absolute manwh*re, and treats women like disposables. I would never ever treat my Lilykins in such a way. Sirius lives with me, as his family are a bullying bunch, and needed to be taught a lesson, so he ran away. Remus goes a little crazy once a month, but apart from that, he's a cool kid. Although he really needs to be taught that lying, and trying to act as 'normal' as possible in his letter is really defeating the object. Peter's a fairly reasonable, honest person. And he can be helpful when we're trying to perform awesome yet possibly illegal pranks.  
I'm top of the class in everything at school, and so that's alright. I don't even really have to try hard – how doss can you get! Transfiguration is obviously my best subject, which is lucky, since there's something we – Sirius, Peter and I – do... sometimes, to help out my good mate Remus, which I can't really tell you about but I can tell you it's damn cool.  
My family are a lovely lot; my mum's called Victoria, and she can't cook for toffee, but she's an excellent present-buyer. My dad's pretty old (my mum is too though), but he plays Quidditch like a pro. I'm an only child (sob sob), and some could say that Sirius is my brother. From another mother :)  
That's pretty much it, then, I guess. That's all that's written on the guidelines for this, anyway.  
Ooh, I think I'll dedicate a little paragraph to Evans, to maybe get her on side. She's incredibly beautiful, and has the most amazing green eyes. I love her with all my heart, and would never ever ever ever ever ever ever only be chasing her for the thrill and then dump her straight after she got with me. That would be cruel, cruel, cruel! She's the best thing to ever happen to this school.

Bye,  
James.

*

Dear student,  
I'd first like to start out by saying that I think this is a great opportunity, to talk to other people, and learn about their lives. My name is Remus John Lupin, and I am a student at an ordinary boarding school called Hogwarts. The name may seem a little odd, but so were its founders. I am an ordinary boy, and 16 years old.  
I like school work and subjects – for example **Maths **and **Biology**, two of which I know a lot about (for example, in Maths, you _add _things together, and _subtract _them). I also like swimming in my local _swimming pool_, which is inside a building, and not in the open air. I like to read books, such as _Romeo & Juliet_. Do you like to read books, swim, and learn things at school? If not, what are some of your other interests?  
I dislike **History**. I hear History is not liked by many people. Do you like History? I do not enjoy sports, either. Bullies, mean children, and unfair teachers are not appreciated by me. Do you appreciate any of these things? What else do you dislike?  
My favourite hobbies are swimming (as previously mentioned), reading (as previously mentioned), and learning (as previously mentioned). What are _your _favourite hobbies?  
I have sandy brown-coloured hair, and pale blue eyes. What colour hair and eyes do _you _have?  
My three best friends go by the names of James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew. They are all very fun to be around, although I disapprove of the way Sirius treats girls, and his and James' pranking. I also disapprove of the way Sirius and James do not put enough effort into their school work. Peter tries very hard, but gets nowhere. I try to help him as much as possible. I wish Sirius and James would do the same. What are your friends' names, and a few things you like and dislike about them?  
My family are very kind and supportive. My father's name is John, and he is a 48-year-old male, who enjoys **golfing**, laughing, and working at his ordinary **bank **job. My mother's name is Mary, and she is a 43-year-old female, who enjoys going to the **spa **with her friends, **cooking**, **cleaning**, and working as an ordinary **lawyer**. Tell me a little about _your _family. What are your parents' names, ages, and jobs? Do you have any siblings? – I do not.  
I am relatively smart, and get quite high grades in most of my subjects. For example, in Biology, I recently discovered that I had received an _A* _- which I know for sure is the top grade – on my latest project, which was all about _dissecting frogs_. What are some of _your _grades?

Yours sincerely,  
Remus John Lupin.

P.S. I also _love _**Christmas**, which is a holiday to celebrate the birth of **Jesus**. What about you?

*

Hello,  
I am called Lily Evans, and I am 16 years old.  
I love being a prefect, talking with my friends, learning interesting things, reading interesting books, and shopping for my favourite books, records, and clothes. My absolute favourite singer is named Marjorie Johns – and she tragically died last year. I was so upset!  
I _hate _this idiot boy called Potter – who enjoys stalking me. I also hate brussels sprouts, Sirius Black, rodents, bullies, sexist men, and liars.  
I sometimes go jogging, but I've recently given that up, since it tires me out too much, and can be quite boring. Other hobbies include dancing (at parties), shopping, having fun with friends, and reading.  
I am roughly the average height, but I can't be sure exactly. I have flaming red hair, which can sometimes be annoying as some idiots are rude about it, but also quite cool, because I personally quite like the colour. I have emerald green eyes, which I like, and wouldn't change for anything. I'm not too sure whether or not I'm pretty – some boys have told me so, the ones I've dated, but who knows whether they're telling the truth?  
My best friend in the whole wide world used to be a boy named Severus, but he said a few unforgivable things to me, and now I can't stand the sight of him. My best girl friend is called Cecilia – Cecile to her friends – Jenkins, and she's really... indescribable. I mean, some days she can be totally normal, but others... you don't even know what's going on in her head! She's really pretty, and a bit of a slag when it comes to boys, and doesn't she know it. She can be so hilarious at times, and she's dead kind. There's also this really lovely girl named Alice Prewett who I was quite good friends with, but she left school last year, as she is two years older than me. I have a few other friends in my year, but none of any real importance – just girls I sometimes talk to, sit next to in lessons, and hang around with in breaktimes and at lunch.  
I like to think I'm quite clever, as I am a very hard-working student. The subject I am best at is Chemistry, and Professor Slughorn (who teaches the subject) says I'm one of his favourite pupils. I really, really hate Maths – it's absolutely _awful_! Who wants to sit there and learn about a bunch of formulas and numbers?! Not me!  
My parents are middle-aged, and fun to be around. My sister, Petunia, hates me. I just want her to open up and talk to me again, but ever since I 'abandoned' her, and went away to boarding school, she refused to talk to me. There's not much else I can say on my family. I have a few cousins who are very nice, and I love my dear grandmother.

Yours faithfully,  
Lily.

*

To muggle,  
Hello, my name is Severus Snape. I am a boy, and I am 16.  
I like Potions and my should-still-be-friend Lily. I hate Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew. I enjoy working on new spells, and talking to friends. I have black hair, and eyes so dark brown they are black.  
I have a few friends; Avery, Mulciber, and Lucius Malfoy, who left this school a long time ago. I wish Lily was still my friend.  
School is boring, except for Potions.  
My family is neither enjoyable nor interesting enough to talk about.

Severus.

* * *

_When Lily says Maths & Chemistry, she means Arithmancy & Potions, but you know, translating it into muggle language... :/  
Lol, I hope you liked it D:  
It's basically just a little thing to get rid of my stupid writer's block for Lose Myself, another fic I'm working on about the marauders in their fifth year. I'm trying to write five chapters a week, as I am incredibly slow at it these days, and that seems a lot for me, but I keep getting distracted by LOST season 2 which I'm watching atm. Lmao, my life story D:  
Please review, if you liked it :) or constructive critism you know, that's always good (y)  
Lmao x  
P.S. Disclaimer for whole story; nothing is mine, everything you recognise is either JKR's or the letters thing from Finding Cassie Crazy._


	3. Bromfield High

_I dedicate this chapter to my gm Ash (Prongywong, on here) - who has the most amazing story called _Crazy Little Thing Called Love_, which is on my favourites list ;) - for advertising _this_ story on _her _story, lmao. And also, for cleverly coming up with the name of this story, the words of which she discovered inside the Finding Cassie Crazy book.  
Also, thank you so much for reviews. Keep 'em coming :)_

* * *

**Chapter Three  
Letters from Brookfield High to Hogwarts**

To "Sirius",

Like that's your real name! Get over yourself!  
What's with you putting sport like 'sport'? What rarely used letter are you talking about?! Do you mean whiffle ball, or something? 'Cos I've heard that's a sport.  
And no offence, but you sound like you're homosexual. You're constantly going on about girls, yet I see no sign of you having a girlfriend. I bet you're just a sad, ugly loser who's never had a girlfriend in his miserable life. I have a girlfriend, called Amy, and she is beautiful. This is a sign of me _not _being a sad, ugly, single loser. If that's not enough, there's even more evidence of this, such as how you keep describing yourself as 'beautiful'. How can a man be _that _in love with himself, and yet not get turned on by the other side a little bit?  
Plus, I find it a little weird that you seem to be crushing on your teacher. It's okay if she's young and good-looking, but... is she? I doubt it.  
To answer your question: yes, I _am _hot. And what makes you think I care about your little friends; how they partner you in crimes, and are born from different mothers to you, and lie in their letters. You don't hear _me_ jabbering on about _my_ friends.  
My family don't hate me, so I guess I win in that area.

That's all you're getting.  
Thomas Moore.

*

To James,

Hey, I'm Amy Scott, and I love dancing, singing, partying, my boyfriend Thomas, and having fun with my friends. What's Quidditch, and Transfiguration? Are these words some secret language you've made up? You're a funny person. What/who are Snivellus, Slughorn, and Slytherin? I don't like diaries, bitchy girls, perverts, or womanisers.  
You're very modest, aren't you (!) I have bleached blonde hair, and big blue eyes. I have a few freckles, which irritate me to no end! I sometimes wear glasses for reading, but I hate them! They're no fun! I tend to avoid reading often, because of this problem.  
Your friends seem... interesting. Especially the one who goes crazy once a month. Remus, was it? I just checked your letter. It's Remus. My best friend is called Isabelle, and she is very nice. She has a boyfriend named Marcus, and I think he is a total pig, and she is better off without him. Kind of like your "brother from another mother", 'Sirius'. Is that a nickname for him? Sorry if it's not :/. But I think he sounds like a bit of a pig, the way he seems to talk about himself and women. I think he may be writing to my boyfriend, Thomas Moore? You could check that out for me. Your other friend, Peter, sounds very pleasant. My other girls include Jessica, Carrie, Maggie, Maisie, and Ashlee. They're all awesome!  
I'd like to take this opportunity to say that once I had gotten this far in _your _letter, I have come to the conclusion that three things are absolutely certain:  
1) You are _obsessed _with pulling pranks on people. Not a very good trait, I must say. But funny, I suppose.  
2) You are also obsessed with '_Lilykins_'. Note the quotation marks, as I find this nickname both demoralising and odd; I'm sure she agrees with me.  
3) You are incredibly immodest and, to put it nicely, 'up yourself'. If I were you, I would tone down on this a little. Maybe it would persuade 'Evans' to like you a little better, which brings us back to the subject of number two: your obsession with this girl.  
I think she should give you a chance, as you seem like an alright type of person, when you're not making up garbled languages about 'Quidditch' and nonsense. If you really want, I could offer you some advice on how to tame her, as I am – not to brag – a bit of an expert when it comes to relationships, and girls – the way our minds work is always best explained by a girl, even though we don't even really understand ourselves! But yeah, if you want me to help you, just let me know.  
My parents are very young, and always working, so I usually have to look after my baby brother, Charlie. It's okay though, because he's adorable – when he's sleeping!

Love from,  
Amy x

*

To Remus,

My name's Isabelle and I am also 16. You seem to like the word ordinary.  
I cannot _believe_ you like Maths and Biology! They are my two _least _favourite subjects! I am so glad that I have dropped them now. It was so annoying that we had to take them for our options for the previous two years! Swimming is okay, but I much prefer playing sports – netball, hockey, badminton, that kind of thing. I like reading fiction novels, but I think Romeo & Juliet's a bit old-fashioned. I think learning's overrated, especially in schools. We should be out there _doing this stuff_, instead of sitting around, doing nothing.  
I think History is okay, as a subject. It can be interesting at times, learning about other people's culture, about what happened hundreds of years ago... but I much prefer English. I do not really appreciate _any_ of those things, Remus. I would like to add olives to the list of things to hate, as I believe they are awful-tasting creations.  
I like exercising, reading, and writing.  
I have dark brown hair, and grey-brown eyes, since you wanted to know. Although I have no idea what interest this would be to you.  
My _best _friend is Amy Scott, who I _think_ is writing to 'James Potter', who you mentioned. May I ask – what is "Quidditch"? She is _dying_ to know, and it has gotten me confused, too. My other friends have various names, and I cannot even begin to explain. How does 'Sirius' treat girls, then? Badly? How do _you _think girls should be treated, Remus? I like many things about my friends, but there are also many things I dislike. I shall not bore you with the details.  
I live with my dad, as my mother died when I was three, and he is a relatively fun guy. He has a minor case of OCD, and he is an 'ordinary' accountant. My sister is called Ellie, and she is 12. My 18-year-old brother, Rhys, and I are very protective over her. Rhys likes to take care of me at times – which can be annoying. For example, he hates my boyfriend, Marcus Jackson, whereas I think he is a wonderful human being. We have had many arguments over him in the past.  
My grades are average. English is the best subject. You took Biology? How stressful. And what exactly did you mean by 'which I know for sure is the top grade'? Why would you _not _know this? You seem to need 'proof' for everything you tell me you like, dislike, etc. – like with Maths, when you told me you add things and subtract them... well, yes! You confuse me, Remus. I find you very hard to understand at times. But I like it.

Lots of love,  
Isabelle x

P.S. Yes, I _love _Christmas! There you go again with your proof/evidence obsession!  
What is your favourite thing about it? Mine is unwrapping presents, and seeing the look on other people's faces when they open the presents from me!

*

Dear Lily,

Snap! I'm 16 too.  
You're a prefect? I'm sure that's... pretty fun. I love cars, girls, motorbikes, wrestling, and funny television programmes. Your favourite singer is Marjorie Johns? I've never heard of her. I'll look her up.  
Some boy is stalking you? I'll sort him out for you, if you want. Is Sirius Black a person?  
I hate school, geeks, losers, unfunny jokes, and angry drunks.  
Your hobbies sound very girly. I like drinking (at parties), listening to music, and chatting to girls.  
I think your hair doesn't sound horrible at all – I like the sound of it. It must look pretty cool, with your eyes and everything. I have blond hair, and blue eyes. I'm sure those boys were telling the truth. You sound pretty.  
This Severus kid sounds like a bit of an idiot. Who would say a bad word against you?! An idiot, that's who. I hate idiot guys. I have a few mates, no one special really. We're not like girls; we don't 'bond' as much as you do.  
Chemistry? Hate it. Love Physical Education, though. Love it, love it, love it. _Professor _Slughorn, did you say? That's ridiculously posh. We just call them 'mr' and 'mrs', to be honest with you. I agree, by the way. Maths _is _horrible.  
That's so stupid! About your sister, I mean. How are you _abandoning her _by going away to boarding school?! She should've gone as well, if it bothered her _that _much. I have a couple of brothers, here and there. They're alright. Don't really talk to me much, but whatever. My parents hate each other, but live together. They can be pretty amusing when they argue sometimes. My dad's a bit of an alcoholic, to tell you the truth. Gotta hate it.

See ya,  
Mark.

*

Severus,

What's a muggle? Is it an offensive term?

Jackie.

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed this :D  
Sorry, it's not as amusing as the other ones, since it's just the replies :( But the next chapter is back with Remus etc. again, yay :)  
Replies to some of your reviews which posed questions:  
Lily Orange: I actually have no idea why I made Remus hate History, since I actually love History myself D: Lmao, and your review made me smile lots :D  
Prongs is mine: About the Christmas thing; I know, I guess I sort of meant it like in the way that they don't really seem to be religious, so like Remus was showing off that he knew that muggles celebrate Christmas because of Jesus, but idk D: lmao x  
Five more reviews for an update sound like fairness? :) Lmao, I always feel so rude asking for reviews, actually D:  
Lots of loveeeeeeee :) xx_


	4. Back to Hogwarts

_Thank you for reviews :)  
I didn't get 10, but ya know, I think I'm just going to write for the fun of it, because it is quite fun... :)  
Idk what to call this chapter :/. After this one, and the replies from Bromfield, ima do this slightly random thing for one chapter, and then should I do it like one chapter Thomas/Sirius, the next Amy/James, then Isabelle/Remus, and so on, like in the books, or should I keep doing it as I am?  
Enjoy :)_

* * *

**Chapter Three  
Hogwarts to Bromfield High**

Thomas Moore,

Would that be pronounced 'mo-ore' or 'more'? You really should take more care with these things in future – see, I wrote the full pronunciation of my name.  
I would never lie about my name. There's no need for me to lie, as it is my real name, and it is cool. And no, I didn't mean 'whiffle ball', whatever the hell that is. Keep guessing.  
I'm not 'pretty homosexual', thank you very much! I don't have a girlfriend, because I don't like to tie myself down. I refuse to be restricted by the term 'boyfriend'. I wouldn't really class the millions of girls I date as girlfriends, more... adoring fans, who I am honouring by sleeping with and pretending to listen to at times. See? Maybe you should try this. Is your girlfriend hot? Also, James tells me that he is writing to her. I'd watch out, if I were you. Although James really only has eyes for Evans, these days – did I tell you about her? And there is nothing wrong with honouring one's appearance! Sorry if I can't help but notice how sexy I am every time I look in the mirror! I do feel quite sorry for you though, since you obviously don't have this gift, or you would understand.  
Ok, Minnie may not be young or good-looking, but she's cooler than you will ever be. I am not 'crushing on her'; I am merely admiring her greatness. If you did the same with some of your teachers, maybe you wouldn't be thick enough to use the term 'crushing on', and therefore would have avoided the ridiculing that is going on right now.  
And sure, you may have answered my 'hot' question, but you didn't answer any of my others, did you?! To be quite frank, I feel let down and hurt by you today, Thomas. _Like _that's your real name.  
^ See, I can be rude and sarcastic too ^  
Did you know that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit?  
You really should include more information in your letters, Thomas, because I feel that I hardly know you at all, and this makes me sad. For example, I shall tell you a little something about my day:

So, I am strolling along the corridors with Remus and Peter this morning, quite content, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I hear this... heavy breathing from behind me.  
"Did you hear that?" I ask Remus, in a panicked voice. Though, I obviously manage to carry this out in a carefree, still-badass manner.  
"Hear what?" Remus says confusedly, clearly not understanding. I try to listen out for the noise again, so that I can show him, but he's right. There's no noise. So I ignore the foolishness, and keep walking. And _then _I hear footsteps following me! So I snap round, whipping out my wand to warn off any predator, but nothing. There is nobody there.  
This kept happening _all day_. It was so confusing! I even thought I heard _chuckling _at one point. CHUCKLING!

Anyway, back to the point. I just let you in on a _whole _part of my life there, Thomas, and all you seem to be able to do is mock me. Have you ever considered the reasons _why _you do this? I think you should, as the first step to the road of recovery is acceptance, and understanding of what you are doing wrong.  
Maybe you aren't jabbering on about your friends because you don't have any. S'not my fault I got loads. My friends actually exist, so I guess I win in _that _area.

Give me, give me more.  
Sirius

*

Hey Amy,

No, it's not a secret language. It's more... just words you wouldn't understand. Don't fret about it.  
Bitchy girls _can _be quite cruel, sometimes. Especially Slytherin girls. I think I'll cut you some slack, and explain myself a little. You see, at our school, we have four houses; Slytherin (which is the worst ever house), Gryffindor (which is the best ever house), Ravenclaw (where the geeks reside), and Hufflepuff (for the leftovers, who are not amazing, awful, or clever).  
I _am _very modest! It's a trait I like to pride myself on. Freckles are okay, you shouldn't fret so much about them! Eugh. Glasses. I have these. Although, I manage to carry them off perfectly, as they make me look both intelligent, _and _cool. At least you only have to wear them for reading!  
No, Sirius isn't his nickname, but don't worry, many people think so. He likes to take the piss out of himself sometimes, but other times he hates it. It all adds up to the long list of many reasons why we hate Sirius' mother. He is a bit of a pig when it comes to girls, but none of them seem to really care. Yeah, I asked him whether or not he's writing to your boyfriend, and apparently he is. They don't seem to be getting along too well though – could you perhaps tell Thomas that Sirius' name really _is _Sirius? Remus and Peter _can _be pleasant, when they want to be. That Isabelle should listen to you more. So should my friends. Remus does _not _want to tell me who he is writing to! Maybe it's because he fancies the girl/boy. I just have to say that I dislike the way you refer to your friends as 'my other girls', as they are not your personal property!  
There is nothing wrong with being obsessed with pranks, Evans, or loving myself! I do have to say, I'm a little confused, since I swore you said that I was modest earlier in your letter. Anyway, you're just as 'up yourself' as I am ("as I am – not to brag – a bit of an expert..." etc). You're definitely right about Evans giving me a chance, although QUIDDITCH IS NOT NONSENCE. YOU JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND! But go ahead; give me some advice with Evans. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.  
Little babies are quite cute at times. How old is he?  
Oh Merlin, I almost forgot to tell you! I did the most _hilarious _thing today. Well, it wasn't the _most _hilarious, but it was among the various hilarious things I have done.  
I felt a little queasy this morning, so I decided I'd hang out in the Hospital Wing, and Madam Pomfrey wrote me a note excusing me from all classes, you see. Well, at around 11ish, I started to feel loads better, but Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let me leave! So eventually I told her I just wanted to go and lie down in my dormitory, and so she let me go. I had a whole day off lessons, and it seemed a shame to waste it, so I decided to have the most fun I possibly could. So I took my Invisibility Cloak out from where it was safely hidden, and covered myself with it, thus turning invisible. I made my way through the castle, until I found my friends. I had planned to jump out and surprise Sirius, but it was just too much to not take advantage of this fine opportunity. Instead, I followed him around all day, breathing heavily, and whispering things to freak him out. You would've thought, with him knowing about my Invisibility Cloak, and me being ill, he'd put two and two together, but he didn't! And he still doesn't know to this very hour. Which is only 9:30, but still! How cool am I! I shall now expect a long, detailed letter, filled with compliments and congratulations.

Bye,  
James

P.S. I'd really prefer it if you wouldn't put 'love from', and a 'x' at the end of your letters, as I wouldn't want darling Evans, and your vicious (according to Sirius) boyfriend getting the wrong idea.

*

Dear Isabelle,

Hello again :)! I see no problem with liking the word ordinary. The main reasoning behind this is probably the fact that it describes me perfectly; ordinary, normal, average, regular... any one of these words would do!  
Oh? Do lots of people dislike **Maths **and **Biology**, then? I did not know this. I suppose I like the fact that they are interesting to learn about...  
You like _hockey_?! Isn't that the sport where people run around with great big sticks in their hands, whacking each other on the shins in a desperate attempt to get the ball?! I thought this sounded terrifying. I hear many people have received multiple bruises and fractured limbs due to this extensively violent sport! Is _Romeo & Juliet _out-dated, then? Which novels would you consider to be _new _and _popular_, for future reference? Learning can be slightly overrated, but it can also be fun! If you pay attention enough, you will find it incredibly interesting! I thought you _did _do practical work – in **Chemistry**, and **Physical Education**, and such? Tell me, what sort of practical work would you like to do most?  
I do not believe that I have ever had the misfortune to eat olives! I say misfortune, because you said that they were horrible, and I trust your judgement, Isabelle. Tell me, have you ever tried _tomato juice_? It's not the most enjoyable of things.  
HAS JAMES POTTER BEEN WRITING TO YOUR FRIEND AMY ABOUT _**QUIDDITCH**_?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
Of course, I have no idea what he is talking about. But it _sounds _very silly and made-up. What on earth could Quidditch be? I shall have to ponder that for a while, and then I shall get back to you, Isabelle!  
Sirius Black treats girls in an inhumane way. He is an animal. I feel that it would do horrors to my conscience if I did not warn you against him. He is not very taught in the ways of the world. Please try to avoid any encounters you may have with this dreaded boy. Well, Isabelle, _I _think that young ladies should be treated with respect, as you should always treat others the way you wish to be treated. One day, I wish that a girl would do to Sirius what Sirius does to girls. Actually, I do not. I take that back, Isabelle, so please do not try to do mean things to Sirius for me! I would never want my friend to suffer in such a way, no matter how much I feel that he sometimes deserves a taste of his own medicine!  
Oh, good gosh, Isabelle! Details of your friends and the things you like and dislike about them would not bore me in the slightest! Please, I wish to know everything, as not only do I have to write a report on what wonders I have learnt from you, but I am also incredibly interested in your magnificent tales!  
I am very sorry to hear that you lost your mother at such a young age, Isabelle, and that your father has a minor case of **Obsessive Compulsive Disorder**. I must tell you, I did not appreciate your mockery of me, by putting quotation marks around the word ordinary. How would you like it if I put quotations around 'your boyfriend'? That would not make you happy, I am sure. Tell me, why does your brother hate your boyfriend, and why do you feel that this is unfair?  
I do not need proof for everything, I am merely showing you things I know about certain activities, subjects, and holidays, in case _you _do not know what I am talking about! I am sorry if I confuse you, Isabelle, but I am quite glad that you like it :)

Yours faithfully, sincerely, truly, what have you,  
Remus

P.S. MY FAVOURITE THING IS DEFINITELY ALL OF THE CHOCOLATE THAT I RECEIVE.

*

Hello Mark,

Marjorie Johns is fairly unknown where you come from. I mean to say, she's from where _I _come from, which is not where you come from... it made sense in my head.  
'Sorting out' James Potter is really not necessary. I think I can quite manage him on my own, thank you very much. And yes, unfortunately, Sirius Black is a real live person.  
I'm choosing to ignore your compliment, as much as I appreciate it, because a person cannot really 'sound' pretty through a letter. It seems a little weird, to be honest with you.  
Yes, Severus _is _an idiot. Here's an example of his idiocy earlier today:

"Lily, can I talk to you?" he asked me urgently.  
"Ugh, no, go away, _Snape_," I said angrily, as I had every right to.  
"Please, just for a second!" he begged.  
"Fine," I gave in grudgingly, "Though you can say whatever you want, I still won't be friends with you."  
"I'm so, _so _sorry, words can't even begin to..." this is where he stopped talking, as he was interrupted by one of his ridiculous friends, Nicholas Mulciber, in 6th year.  
"Hey, Snape!" Mulciber called. He doesn't even refer to his own _friends _by their first names!  
"What?" Severus asked, not looking away from me.  
"Woah, what are you doing talking to _her_?" Mulciber asked slowly, as he began to come closer towards us. I gritted my teeth angrily. I knew exactly what Mulciber meant by 'her'.  
"Umm..." Severus said worriedly, unsure of what to say. I rolled my eyes and began to walk away. I wasn't going to stand around and let my ex-best friend's friend insult me!  
Severus tried to call after me, but I wouldn't turn back.

He didn't even stand up for me! He wouldn't have had to really say much, he would've just had to let me see that he didn't care what other people thought. But that's the thing: Severus _does _care what other people think. Plus, it's not just that. It's that _he thinks it too_. This is the _true _reason why he didn't stand up for me; because deep down, I don't think he thought I deserved standing up for. I don't think he even realises that this is the way his mind works. It's subconscious, or something. Woah, I'm rambling!  
You really shouldn't blame my sister, you know, calling her stupid and stuff. It's _so _not her fault. To be quite true, I _did _abandon her. You see, the thing is, she can't go to my boarding school. She isn't allowed. If we wanted to stay together, either she'd have had to come here, or I would've had to stay at home. She tried to come here, asking our headmaster and everything, but she still wasn't allowed, so the only other option was for me to not go. But of course, I didn't want to just _not go_. I mean, this was the chance of a lifetime! I don't think you will ever be able/allowed to understand just how huge my coming here was going to be, but you have to trust that it really was. That's where the abandonment part comes into it. She didn't understand how a school could be more important than your own flesh and blood. And it's not. I mean, I don't think of it that way! She'll always be there when I return, but if I just didn't go to Hogwarts, it wouldn't be there when I was ready to go, or when she didn't need me anymore. I think you've helped me realise this. I just wish Tuney would listen long enough for me to explain my reasons for coming here. Every time I bring up the topic of Hogwarts, she cuts me off.

Yours faithfully,  
Lily.

P.S. I think that maybe you should recommend to your father that he perhaps attends some AA meetings? This would help with his drinking problems. Or maybe you should hold an intervention for him? You could have him sent to rehab, if it's really bad.

*

Muggle,

Muggle is neither an offensive term nor a pleasant greeting. It is a mere stating of facts. You are a muggle, and I am a wizard.

From,  
Wizard

* * *

_Hope you liked it :D  
Review, review! (:  
Much love xx_


	5. Back to Bromfield

_This chapter shall yet again be dedicated to one Miss _Prongywong_, as an apology for not informing her of my previous update! I completely forgot, SORRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY!! Am I forgiven? =)  
I'm filled with apologies today, and so I am sorryyy for not updating yesterday, it's just I had to do my English essay as soon as I got in, and before I'd even finished that, I had to go piano, and then I went out to dinner, and then I went round my dad's so by the time I got home I was far too tired to add another chapter :( Sorry x  
Ooh, and thank you for reviewing everyone! Replies to certain reviews are in the A/N at the end :)  
AND BTW, THE STUPID DOCUMENT MANAGER THINGY WON'T LET ME MAKE THE 'CHAPTER FOUR' THING Y & THIS A/N CENTERED, SO IT LOOKS STUPID, AND I APOLOGISE :(_

* * *

**Chapter Four  
Letters from Bromfield High to Hogwarts  
**

Boy,

Wrestling, ice hockey, waterpolo, volleyball?  
Ok, whatever, about the homosexuality. I really couldn't care less. Of course my girlfriend is hot; I said she was beautiful, didn't I? And she has a _name_. Amy.  
Just because I don't go on about 'the gift' of beauty all the time, it doesn't mean I don't have it.  
Thomas is a more believable name than Sirius. Like, what are your friends called, Borrin and Dal, pronounced 'bor-ing' and 'dull'?  
That story was so interesting it made me throw up. Again. And again. And _again_.  
I have many friends. Jack, Mark, Luke, Jamie... these are just a few of their names. They are all fun to be around, and we are on the football team together. I just don't think that we men should go on and on about our friends like girls do.  
You seem slightly touchy about your family. What did they _do _to you?

I'll give you, give you less.  
Tom.

P.S. Just because I signed my name 'Tom', it does in no way give you the right to call me Tom.

P.P.S How would one 'snap round'? You mentioned in your story that this is what you did. It doesn't sound right.

*

James,

Ok, I've decided to not even try to work out what your 'language' is. But I understand, about the houses. I take it you're in Gryffindor?  
I feel slightly bad about complaining about my glasses now, since you wear them all the time. Have you ever considered contacts?  
I told Thomas about Sirius' name being Sirius, but he still didn't believe me, so mission failed on that one. Sirius doesn't sound very nice. I can't believe that girls still like him, even though he's horrible! He must be très charming and good-looking, then. I can't see what else would draw females towards him. What are other reasons for you hating Sirius' mother then?  
Sorry if I in some way offended you by referring to my friends as 'my girls', it's just I didn't want to say 'girl friends', as it could give you the wrong idea.  
Charlie is 9 months old and loudly screaming as of late. The other day, when I was finally getting off to sleep, he just started bawling his lungs out, because he was thirsty, I think. My mum seems to be immune to his cries, and my dad's dead to the world as soon as he sleeps, so I always have to be the one to see what's going on. It's so annoying.  
Uh-oh. You're really into this Evans girl, aren't you? Just a word of advice: you could start by calling her by her first name. I can't even remember what it is! I don't even know if you for sure told me it. It's just something to think about, maybe consider. Do this, and if my techniques begin to work, then you can trust me, and I can give you some more clever advice.  
Uhh... invisibility cloak?! YOU'RE EVEN STRANGER THAN I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. No offence here James, but I am officially FREAKED OUT. You're just like those pathological loonies obsessing over Star Trek, or whatever. Do you actually physically _believe _that when you cover yourself with your 'cloak of invisibility', you become invisible? That's psycho, James. Incredibly, incredibly psycho.

From Amy

P.S. perhaps you're right, about the love from thing.

P.P.S As you probably can see, this isn't a long letter full of compliments, etc, because I don't feel you need them, as Sirius is probably very paranoid at the present time. However, what you did _was _quite funny, and if I hadn't been so distracted by the mysterious case of your invisibility cloak, I would have laughed.

*

To Remus,

Hockey can be quite vicious, at times, but you get used to it. I find it quite fun. You should try it some time.  
I would consider Trinity, by Leon Uris to be a relatively new and good novel. I also like Sleeping Murder, by Agatha Christie. What about you?  
Practical work which we do in Chem & PE is nothing like what we _should _be doing. I'd like to... I don't know, go on lots of school trips to different places around the world, and re-enact scenes from ancient history, and watch plays, and... well, it doesn't really matter, since nobody will really pay attention to my ideas.  
I _love _tomato juice!  
Err... should James _not _be writing to Amy about Quidditch then? You seem very worried about this, Remus...  
Woah, calm down, I won't do anything to Sirius! You're such a nice person, Remus, standing up for girls and everything. You're a good friend.  
My friends honestly would not interest you in the slightest, Remus. I promise you, you are not missing out on anything important.  
Rhys (my brother, in case you have forgotten) hates Marcus, my boyfriend, because he believes that I should not have a serious, long-term boyfriend at such a young age. He also thinks that he knows best, and that Marcus is a 'bad influence' on me, because he 'gets me to do things I don't want to do'. I disagree with this, because if I didn't want to do the things which I do, why in God's name would I do them?!

Love,  
Isabelle x

P.S. CHOCOLATE IS AMAZING.

Lils,

Jesus Christ, that Severus kid is such an actual prat! How dare he be so damn rude! But I don't understand, why didn't his mate want him talking to you?  
Glad to see I helped you out with your sister.  
My dad doesn't need any help; he knows what he's doing. Cheers though.  
Sorry this is such a short letter, I'm about to go footy practice, and I've got to quickly send you this before I do, as it'll be the only chance to get near a post box for the next week, as I'm going on holiday tomorrow. Don't be expecting a quick reply to your next letter, but I'll write back as soon as I can.

See ya,  
Mark.

Severus,

You're SO WEIRD. WIZARDS AREN'T REAL! WHATEVER WORLD YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE IN, SNAP OUT OF IT, PRONTO!

Love,  
Jackie

P.S. Please don't take offence, I'm only trying to help you.

* * *

_Lmao, to whoever said previously (I can't remember, sorry) that they dislike Thomas & Mark, I quite agree, since Mark is such an idiot! But lol, Thomas can kind of crack me up at times.  
In reply to:  
Lily Orange: even though you didn't really ask a question lol, but badass IS such an actual AMAZING WORD! :)  
TheIrishVampire: i knowww, i'm even confusing myself, because i put in the rules about how they're not allowed to talk about wizards, but then i also put about confidentiality and not reading the letters, because i wanted them to talk about wizards stuff too :/ so i really have no explanation! but i think that the professors dont read the letters unless someone tips them off that they're talking about magic, or if the muggle makes a complaint :/ lmao, i am so confusing... sorry haha, and i think i did put in a previous A/N that i know they wouldnt be taking muggle studies, but i just put it like that D: anyhow, glad you enjoyed the last chapter!  
mudkiprox: yesss, i shall be adding more to this story. i'm gonna try and do an update-a-day until i'm done, so definitely put it on story alert if you wanna read :D  
My good buddy Prongywong: apologies, again, my friend ;)_

And thank you to the others who reviewed :D  
Keeeeeep reviewing people, they're always nice to read :') xxxx


	6. Peter Pettigrew

_Lmao, this is just a random odd chapter as a break from all of the letters, like in FCC, when it's Lydia's diary, and Emily's dad, etc. The next chapter will probs be Thomas and Sirius writing to one another, and then James and Amy, and so on.  
Enjoy reading, and thank you for review; they are much appreciated!_

* * *

**Chapter Five  
Peter Pettigrew**

Dear Diary,

Okay, so all of my friends are doing this pen-pal project for Muggle Studies, and I'm stuck doing nothing like an idiot, because I didn't get the grades to take Muggle Studies, plus I don't know why they're taking it, since it's hardly useful for our futures.

To make matters worse, Remus is being incredibly mysterious about his letters. James and Sirius tell me things straight off – I know that 'Thomas' (Sirius' recipient) is being awfully rude, since he keeps on being horrible about Sirius' name, and such; and James' pen-pal, Amy, who coincidentally is Thomas' girlfriend (what are the odds?!) is nice, and is offering to help James with the Lily problem. (The Lily Problem being that she hates him, and will never agree to a date with him this side of the 1900s)

Sirius wants to "go to Bromfield High, wherever the _hell _that is, find Thomas Mo-ore, and _beat the shit out of him_", but I think that after a good talking to, Thomas will surely open up, and they can become friends. After all, on my first day of Hogwarts, Sirius' behaviour was quite similar to that of Thomas'. I do recall asking Sirius to lend me a hand, because I was lying on the floor after being the victim of a brutal attack (Peeves had _cleverly _decided to throw some water balloons at me on my way to the common room after the feast) but instead he just laughed, said 'Yeah right', and proceeded to saunter off down the corridor! What a beast! Fair enough, once I had reached the common room, entered my dormitory, and he'd realised that we'd be sharing a room (along with James and Remus) for the next seven years, he apologised, introduced himself, and we became potential life-long friends, _but still_! Oh wait, what was the moral of the story again? Oh yes, Sirius soon stopped acting so ludicrous, and now we are the best of friends! So he really should talk to this Thomas, man to man, in a friendly way.

One day, Sirius will actually listen to my advice, and then he'll be sorry! Well, I suppose he won't, because he would've listened to my good advice, and he'll be okay, but... One day, he'll ignore my advice and _it will go wrong_, and _then _he'll be sorry! Aha :)

I am very bored right now, diary, because I am supposed to be doing my Charms homework, but I'm finding it too difficult. Plus, there's nobody here to help me; Sirius is out on a date, Remus is in Astronomy class, and James is downstairs, trying desperately to attract the attention of Lily Evans. This is what I can make out from below:

James: You can't keep ignoring me, Evans! We're inevitable, you know that.

Typical. He's always saying the same things, diary, just the usual!

Lily: (silent)

James: Evans! Look over there, it's Sniv! Oh – what's _that_? Oh Merlin, he has a girl on his face! Look, Evans, look, isn't that terrible?

Lily: (still silent)

I'm assuming that at this point, she is either packing up her stuff, ready to go to bed, having gotten too sick of James, or still intently doing homework, all the while pretending she can't hear a word James is saying.

James: Ah, you got me, Evans. Old Snivelly would never be snogging a girl, you're right. Ah, you win. Feel free to boast. (_Quite politely_)

Lily: (silent, _still_)

Another voice (I can't really bring myself to say it's male): JAMEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I'm guessing this is Sirius. It sounds like him.

James: ! Hey!

I was right.

Sirius: Guess who scored!

Do we really always have to play these guessing games? Everybody knows the answer anyway!

James: Hmm, let me _think_... (_Sarcastically_)

Sir – no wait, ignore that, James again: (_quickly_) Woah, Evans, where're you going?!

Lily: To bed, Potter. I suggest you do the same.

James: Oohoohoo! Firstly, you talked! And secondly, _you want me to come to bed with you_?!

Lily: Oh don't be so _immature_. (_Angrily_)

At this point, I can hear loud footsteps stomping, getting further and further away.

Sirius: As annoying as she is, she's right. I'm pretty knackered.

THEY'RE COMING UPSTAIRS. OH NO, THEY CAN'T CATCH ME WRITING IN MY DIARY! THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW I _HAVE _A DIARY! AHHH, I GOTTA GO, DIARY, SPEAK SOON!

Love,

Peter

* * *

_You like?  
There weren't really any questions in my reviews, but I would like to say that yes, you may call Thomas 'Tom', Prongywong, thanks and I hope you also have a good weekend, Lily Orange, and hello to my buddy Maggie, lessxthan3maggie, who just started reading (or maybe just started reviewing, idk) :D  
And thanks so much to everybody else who reviews, as they are all very nice to read :)  
Reviews would very much make my day tomorrow, as some meany people are coming round my house :(  
Haha, keep reading! Hope you still like it :) xx _


	7. Sirius and Thomas

__

Woah, sorry for lack of update. Basically, Sunday = mean people over, therefore no time; Monday = too tired 'cos I didn't get much sleep Sunday; yesterday = Mum's birthday, so went out for dinner; and so here we have it today :D  
Hope you haven't all given up on me.  
Thanks for reviews x

* * *

**Chapter Six  
Sirius and Thomas**

Girl,

Firstly, I just want to say that I'm sorry there's been a two-week gap in my replies, but as it is the holidays, I was at James' house, and had no access to your address, or a quill and parchment. Plus, you wouldn't know where to send it, as I don't like to give out my home address to random oddities. Did you have a nice Christmas?

No, no, _no_, and no. Keeeeeeeeeeeep trying with the sports.

Thomas, Thomas, Thomas... you need to learn that 'beautiful' is not necessarily always associated with the words 'hot'. For example, let me show you a scenario:

Person 1: Wow, these decorations are so beautiful.

Person 2: Yeah, they're pretty hot, too.

Persons 3 and 4: WHAAAT?!

Person 2: Get out of my house, you freak.

This is an entirely made-up scenario, and did not happen on one particular occasion. The people and names have been slightly altered in order to hide their identities. Not that they exist, because this is an entirely made-up scenario. Anyway, do you _see _now?

Thomas is a ridiculous name. Like, what are you friends called, Butch and Byron? Note, this is a joke circling around the cartoon character, Thomas the Tank Engine, whom I have heard about via my friend, one Lily Evans, plus we learnt about him in a particular subject at school, entitled M_____ S______. I did not appreciate your pun on serious, boring, and dull, for your information. You know full well that my friends are called James, Remus, and Peter; therefore you are just being silly and immature.

There is no such proof that these 'friends' of yours are real; simply names will not do the trick. For example, in my first letter, I proceeded to give you a detailed analysis on my friends' lives.

I would also like to inform you of a girl I recently got off with, at James' now-annual New Year's Eve party. Her name was Kati Benson – and it would be cool if we were married, as she'd still have the same initials. Although I obviously am not thinking about marriage. It was quite funny, really, because James was off trying to find Lily, as he has at five minutes to midnight at every New Year's Eve party to the date, and Remus was with his little ex-girlfriend, trying to 'work things out' – she has the two most bullying brothers in the world, and so it didn't work out too well when a few unmentionable things happened –, and Peter was talking to a few fourth-year boys. And then there's me. I was just strolling around, you know, not too fussed about what would happen at midnight, when I saw Kati, out of nowhere. She seemed a little sad, so I thought, as the loving person I so clearly am, that I'd go on over there, and cheer her up. So I cracked a few jokes, you know, made her laugh, and before we knew it, the people around us were counting down to midnight! Of course, I kissed her – I mean, how could I not? And now we have plans for a date at Hogsmeade, this forthcoming weekend. There are not many other places to go at Hogwarts, really.

Are you serious when you say it made you throw up? My words have never made someone actually physically be sick before. It's probably something wrong with you. Yeah. You should have that checked out. Hey, maybe you're pregnant! I hear it's one of the symptoms, to throw up at odd... smells. Well, maybe you smelt something horrible at the time but you didn't realise it so you thought you were throwing up at my scary story.

WHAT DID MY FAMILY _DO_ TO ME? To start, my mother has constantly beaten and bullied me since I was a small boy – well, since I got into Gryffindor house, but she has never really liked me – and always favoured my brother over me. Then, there's the matter that my father is a cheating alcoholic who has no respect for anybody but himself and those higher up in the hierarchy than he is. My brother took their side in everything they said, mostly to avoid being ridiculed himself, but he could've stuck up for me once in a while. And then we have this... servant... he's called Kreacher (like 'creature', you know – personally I find it quite amusing) and he does whatever my parents told him to – mostly involving punishing me. Then, of course, there's the fact that arranged marriages, and having children with your second cousins being common in my family. I'm almost convinced that my aunt had an affair with this boy, Lucius Malfoy's father, making Narcissa – my cousin – a half-sister to the man that she is about to marry! Anyway, also my cousins are awful – Bellatrix is the _worst_. They are horrible to my friends, and people who aren't exactly the same as them. I'm certain that they'll join this guy in his quest to ruin the world as we know it. Plus, I ran away because Andromeda, my only nice cousin (sister to Cissy and Bella) eloped with her... inappropriate, let's say, fiancé. So there it is. There's more, but I think that's all you can stomach right this minute.

Stop this, stop this, yes?

Sirius

P.S. Wouldn't dream of it. Tom.

P.P.S snap: definition, number 7: To move swiftly and smartly. e.g. "_snap to attention_"

Or, if that doesn't satisfy you, try: To pay attention or begin complying abruptly.  
Or maybe even: Made or done suddenly, with little or no preparation.  
Or: Something accomplished without effort. (This doesn't really apply to this particular action, but it does happen a lot with me, as I can be effortlessly sexy, effortlessly cool, effortlessly handsome, etc.)  
Do any of these examples help you with the understanding of how one can 'snap round'?

*

Black,

As you may be able to see, I have taken to calling you by your last name. My Christmas and how it went is none of your business. Although, I did get a few rather lovely presents, which I am not going to tell you anything about. And what the hell kind of a person uses a _quill _and _parchment _to write?!

I give up. Apparently your friend James keeps talking about a few odd things; Transfiguration, Snivellus, Slughorn and Quidditch. Is the sport one of these made-up words? However, I do happen to know that whilst transfiguration shouldn't have a capital in front of it, it is an actual word, with an actual definition in the dictionary.

I can't see your ridiculous scenario being helpful at all to the matter at hand, seeing as we were referring to a person, and not an object, or, in your case, decorations. You seem to have an awful lot to say for yourself, Black, and I'm not sure I like it.

The pun on the fact that my name is Thomas like Thomas the Tank Engine is both ridiculous and pathetic. A) It's not even _funny_, B) it doesn't make sense, since Thomas is a very normal name, and it's just like somebody calling a girl named Audrey, Audrey Hepburn, simply because of the famous actress, and C) you're such an idiot it makes _me _look like _James Callaghan_. And what the bloody hell is a MS subject? Mathematical Studies or something?!

Get this into your thick little skull: I do _not _care about you or your stupid friends with their stupid love interests and your _stupid made-up girlfriend_! Let _me _tell _you _an interesting story:

My good mate Isabelle (best friend of my girlfriend Amy) was 'getting off' with her boyfriend, Marcus, in her bedroom the other day, when her older brother walks in, and _flips_.

Just after Marcus gets literally _thrown_ out of the house, Amy and I happen to be coming round to Isabelle's house for a study session. So, Marcus sees us, and gets _so mad_, because for some reason, it's _our _fault that he got thrown out! So there I was, trying to protect my lady and everything, throwing a few punches at that stupid monster, when Isabelle comes out and starts _screaming _– literally, screaming – at me and Amy, about how we should leave Marcus alone, or some rubbish like that! Man! Talk about trying to be a Good Samaritan! So now Amy's all cut up because her best friend hates her, and I have to be dead sensitive around her. All for trying to defend my woman!

Your family sounds too horrific to be real. Plus, what's with all the names?! What are they – star constellations, or something? Nar_cissa_. How would that be _pronounced_? And I thought _my _family were weird! I only asked what they did to you, there was no need for this full-blown explanation, mate. If I'd known before I'd asked, then I'd never have asked! And you say that there's actually _more _of that nonsense?!

Hate,

Thomas

P.S. You _will _die.

P.P.S. snap: definition 3, section b: To suffer a physical or mental breakdown, especially while under stress: "_feared that the troops would snap from fatigue_." Obviously, you can see how I might have been confused.

*

Thomas, Thomas, Thomas,

Quill. Parchment. Completely normal. The real question here, Thomas, is what the hell do _you _use to write?! Pumpkin juice and wood?!

I'll give you one final guess on what the sport is, and if you are unable to guess correctly, then you die. Haha, JUST KIDDING. I bet I got you there, Thomas! Nah, if you get it right, then I'll tell you, but if you don't, then you'll never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever know. Do you know how _stressful _that was, writing out all of those 'ever's there, Thomas? I really don't think you understand just how much _effort _I put into your letters, Thomas, and you don't really seem to be giving me the same sort of gratitude.

Decorations are just as much part of this world as people are! Some of them even like to talk, once in a while!

Who the _hell _are Audrey Hepburn and James Callagy-wotsit? A few more of your made-up friends, perhaps?

Your story made me feel sorry for you, Thomas, as it showed the obvious trials and tribulations of your daily life. Imagine, having to be sympathetic around your girlfriend because she just lost your best friend! What on earth was I thinking, complaining about my family, how my mother beats me and hates me, and the constant incest going on around me, when obviously _none _of it could ever _possibly _compare to if my _girlfriend_ was _upset_! I'm so terribly _sorry_, Thomas, clearly I do not _deserve_ to be in your company, as I do not _appreciate_ how _good_ my life _truly_ is.

In case you didn't guess, you silly, thick arsehole, that was _sarcasm_.

SUCK IT.

Sirius

*

Black,

No, genius, I use _pencil and paper _to write. My letters aren't orange and written on wood, DUH!

Is Snivellus the sport? Oh wait, no, I swear you said you _hated _Snivellus, no wait, that _James _kid said that he likes _playing Quidditch_! QUIDDITCH! THAT'S THE SPORT WITH THE RARELY-USED LETTER! I WIN! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT NOW. WHAT GOES ON IN QUIDDITCH?

Audrey Hepburn is a well-known actress, you moronic figure. She most famously starred in Breakfast at Tiffany's, which may have only come out when I was around one year old, but I still obviously know all about it, because I'm not stupid, and James _Callaghan _is the freaking Prime Minister, YOU MORON! Audrey Hepburn I half sort of understand, but _how _can you not know who the _Prime Minister_ is?! That's like, almost as bad as not knowing whether we have a King or a Queen! Speaking of which, _do _you know the answer to this? I'll bet you don't.

Very nicely done, Black. You know, at first, I have to admit, I thought you actually did feel sorry for me a little bit. But very nice. You really dug the knife in there, Black. Talk about kicking me when I'm down.

From,

A Very Disappointed and Slightly Hurt Thomas

*

Mo-ore, Mo-ore, Mo-ore,

Ohhhhhhhhh, pencil and paper! Yeah, I've heard of that! I just thought it was a myth.

Telling you all about Quidditch would breach the terms of our contract. I have attached the contract to this letter with a strange little silver object that Remus likes to call a _paperclip_.

I KNEW THAT! I'M NOT JOKING, I ACTUALLY KNEW THAT! ABOUT THE JAMES GUY, I MEAN. I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF HIM, AND I KNEW HE WAS _SOMEBODY_, I JUST COULDNT REMEMBER WHO, AND PLUS I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNIER TO ASK YOU WHO THEY WERE! And I so happen to know that we have a female _Queen_, as we have since 1952. Elizabeth II. Oh yeah.

Kicking you when you're _down_? KICKING YOU WHEN YOU'RE DOWN?! Well, it looks like the Hippogriff dung's on the other foot now, Mo-ore!

From

A Very Confused (as-to-why-you-suddenly-care) Sirius

Legally Binding Contract Concerning the Case of the Mysterious Sport

This contract is by and between Sirius Orion Black (hereinafter referred to as 'Sirius') and Thomas Mo-ore (hereinafter referred to as 'Tom'). Sirius owns the copyrights and controls the rights to change anything in this legally binding contract.

_Terms and conditions_

If Tom guesses the sport correctly, then Sirius will be permitted to tell Tom whether he is correct or incorrect in his guess.

Sirius will _not_, however, be permitted to tell Tom anything about the sport, or where it came from.

Tom will not be allowed to ask any more questions regarding the sport. If he does, then he will be shot.

Sirius is in complete control over the situation, and if at any time, he feels that Tom is mentioning the subject of the sport too often, Tom will have failed at this contract, and serious action will have to be taken (see two paragraphs down)

If Tom feels that Sirius is being pressured, _tough_.

_Agreement_

If Tom 'fails', then he has to give Sirius 50,000 galleons, leave Sirius alone for good, dump his girlfriend, Amy (just for the laughs), and admit that Sirius' name _really is _Sirius. If Sirius 'fails', and pressures Tom in any way regarding the subject of the sport, and there is serious evidence and an eye-witness of this, then no further action will be taken, and the subject shall be dropped completely.

_Signed by_,

Sirius Orion Black

and

Thomas Martin Mo-ore

*

Sirius,

Why would pencil and paper be a _myth_?

You could have asked anybody about the Queen. It was easy enough.

Hippogriff dung? Are you making up words again?

Thomas

P.S. I never agreed to, signed, or even _saw_ that document before today.

P.P.S How the hell do you know my middle name?

* * *

_Hope you liked it; review if you did ;)  
Replies:  
TheIrishVampire: Yup, I'll be doing James/Amy, Remus/Isabelle, Lily/Mark, and then Snape/Jackie, and after that probably another diary entry from Peter, or maybe something else random like that  
_Any ideas?  
_LilyOrange: Thanks, it wasn't too bad with the mean people actually, as they brought a cute puppy round :D xx  
Love to all who review and read this story  
xxxx_


	8. James and Amy

_James and Amy. As promised.  
Enjoy, mon amis.  
Sorry for short break in updating.  
Hope you like the chapter._

* * *

**Chapter Seven  
James and Amy**

Hey Amy,

I hope you had a really good Christmas. Happy New Year! My Christmas was quite good, as it's the first Christmas with Sirius _living _in our house (he liked to run away to ours most Christmases before this), plus my parents bought me lots of great stuff. New Year's Eve was pretty hilarious; Sirius bagged himself yet another girlfriend, but I couldn't find my darling Lily anywhere :(. Remus and Elizabeth (his ex) had a bit of drama, and I think they might have ended the night as a couple, but I'm not sure. Wait, I'll ask Remus.  
Back. Did you miss me? Remus said that they're not a 'couple' as such, they have decided to be 'just friends'. We all know what that means ;).  
Anyhow, I shall from now on include only the reply to your previous, lovely letter:  
Of course I'm in Gryffindor, baby!  
I suppose Sirius is charming and handsome and sexy or whatever you said. He _does_ have mad game with the bitches...  
We hate Walburga (Sirius' mother) because she's evil, she used to beat Sirius (before he moved in with me), she bullies all 'blood-traitors' and muggle-borns, she's vicious and vindictive, the list goes on...  
Your little brother, Charlie, sounds adorable. I do wish I had a sibling sometimes. Then again, I have Sirius.  
I tried calling _Lily _by her first name. I'll show you how it went. We were sitting in the Great Hall at lunch...

"Hey, Lily!" I called, gesturing for her to come over to sit with us.  
She narrowed her eyes at me in suspicion. "Potter?" she said distrustfully, plonking her books down on the table, and sliding into the seat opposite. "What do _you _want?"  
"A date?" I asked, winking rather sexily – in my opinion. Sirius laughed cruelly, obviously expecting Lily to say no. I, however, did not expect her reaction.  
"Seriously?" she said disbelievingly.  
"Umm... yes?" I said nicely, grinning.  
"Sure, I'll go on a date with you..." 'SCORE!' I thought. I'm sure you're very excited too. Sorry to disappoint you, but... "...the day Sirius kisses the Giant Squid," she finished, rather heartlessly if I'm honest.

Sirius was fully ready to jump into the Black Lake, and kiss the Giant Squid, but I thought this was going a bit too far. Plus, the Giant Squid can be pretty dangerous at times. Now, I know what you're thinking... 'James did everything perfectly, it's just this Lily girl who doesn't appreciate fine charm and beauty', but I regret to tell you, you're wrong. I'm sure it's something I've done badly, since my Lily is obviously wonderful in every way – including her judgment, even if that means hating me. Clearly, your first method did not exactly work wonders, although I am wondering... she did actually sit with us, so maybe we're becoming friends? Although, she probably only sat with us because there were hardly any other seats in the hall, not because I called her Lily. She didn't even realise I called her Lily. Do you have any more advice you are willing to share for the good of the cause?  
What's Star Trek?

Sorry for acting psycho,  
James

P.S. I'm pretty sure Sirius wouldn't have minded, had he known it was me who followed him around all day. Anyhow, sorry again about the Invisibility Cloak. I should remember who I'm talking to, sometimes.

*

James,

Glad to hear you had a nice Christmas. Mine was very good, thank you. It was enjoyable, as we had spent most of the holiday at my Grandmother's house, and lots of my cousins were there. We all had loads of fun. For New Year's Eve, we all went to Isabelle's house, and had a massive laugh. Unfortunately, Isabelle doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. Apparently Thomas and I take out all of our 'anger' on her precious _Marcus_, and he doesn't _deserve _to be treated in such a harsh way. Yeah, _right_. The day Marcus earns my respect is the day hell freezes over. Maybe you could convince Isabelle that Marcus isn't right for her via your friend Remus? Thanks. On a happier note, your New Year's sounded interesting! But I don't understand, surely Remus saying he and Elizabeth are 'just friends' means that they are just friends? What else would it mean?  
I don't believe I did say that Sirius was 'sexy'. That was a little adjective entirely of your own making.  
Sirius + you = cuteness! As much as I detest the sound of him, you're such sweet best friends/brother-from-another-mothers! Charlie isn't very well right now :(. He has an awfully high fever, and a cough. He also has a bit of a swollen tummy, and never seems to want to eat anything! Mum thinks it's just a cold. I hope so. We'll call the doctor if it gets any worse.  
I think where you went wrong with Lily, is that you asked her out too quickly. Sometimes, the element of surprise is very effective, as catching people off guard can seem spontaneous and exciting. However, I don't really think that Lily seems the spontaneous-type, and will be looking for somebody a little more serious. Your task for this week, James, is to:  
a) Try to become friends with Lily.  
b) Do not, I repeat, do _not _ask her out _once _this week! (This will confuse her, and maybe make her miss your asking-her-out)  
and c) Try your hardest to make her see you as somebody serious. Perhaps join a club she is interested in, or read a book you know she likes, or simply have a _normal _conversation with her, that includes neither insults nor sexual innuendos?  
Hope you have a go at all of these things, as they aren't too hard, and when you do, get back to me.

See you later,  
Amy

P.S. I just thought of a d)! DO NOT DATE ANYBODY ELSE WHILE YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO "BAG" LILY. THIS IS CRUCIAL.

P.P.S UNLESS I TELL YOU TO!

P.P.P.S Star Trek is an American science fiction entertainment series.

*

Hi Amy,

What do you mean, ask Remus to ask Isabelle to forgive me? How would Remus know Isabelle? ARE REMUS AND ISABELLE CORRESPONDING?!  
I just asked Remus. He won't tell me. WHY WON'T HE TELL ME?!  
I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I hope he gets better soon :). Tell him James said hello, and to hurry up and get well, because people are worrying about him!

Okay, I tried _all _of your methods.

Exhibit a) Try to become friends with Lily.

I wandered over to the beautiful Miss Evans, smiling charmingly, like the charming lad I am. "Lily, do you need any help with your Transfiguration homework? I'm already done with mine, so I could lend you a hand, if you'd like?" I said, politely and delightfully, if I do say so myself.  
"Shove off, Potter," Lily grumbled, _rudely_ and _impolitely_, "Stop boasting."  
'_BOASTING?_' I asked myself, as I walked away, hopelessly, confusedly, and in a daze.

Was I not merely being polite, sweet, generous, kind, and _friendly_, Amy? I think I may have failed on this one. Please help.

Exhibit b) Do not ask Lily out.  
This one was easy.

Exhibit c) Be more serious.  
Sirius found this one particularly amusing.  
My darling Lily happens to be part of a club called Slug Club. I regret to inform you that I was unsuccessful in trying to make it into this club. It is run by a man named Professor Slughorn, and he and I don't really see eye to eye. Alas, I shall tell you of my endeavours anyhow.

"Professor Slughorn, here, let me take that for you," I said courteously, relieving him of his books.  
"Oh, thank you, Poter," he said distractedly.  
"That's quite all right, sir. And it's _Potter_," I reminded him kindly, "James Potter." I put my hand out for him to shake, balancing the books carefully. He ignored my hand, and continued to walk down the hallway.  
"So, sir, erm… when's the next Slug Club meeting – just out of interest?" I asked, in a nice, polite voice.  
"Why do you want to know, James?" he demanded, suddenly suspicious. Merlin knows why?! (Anyway, I was quite pleased to discover that he had listened to me, and knew my first name as a result.)  
"Well, I was wondering whether or not you could…" I began.  
"I'm sorry," Slughorn said, sounding quite apologetic, "Slug Club isn't taking any more members right now."  
"But my dad was…"  
"I know, James. But there are just certain people who _are_, as opposed to _were_, if you understand. I'm sorry, I really am, but it's a no," Slughorn said regretfully, taking his books from me and hurriedly marching away down the corridor.

Well, that was a majorly EPIC FAIL.  
So, I tried the other thing. The book thing. That didn't work either.

I was inside the library, when I happeened upon my darling Lily. Okay, I followed her in there, but still. "Lily!" I called.  
"Shh!" she hissed back. Madam Pince gave me an evil look.  
"Lily," I whispered, walking over to her, "What're you reading?"  
"Why?" she said guardedly, covering the title of her book.  
"Because books interest me, Lily. I like reading books. Good books. And I know that you would be able to introduce me to some good books, because you have a clever eye for this sort of thing," I said dotingly.  
"Potter, will you leave me alone?"

As you can already see, I was not successful in this department. I hardly need to finish the story, as I am sure you get the message.  
Also, above, I managed to have a sexual innuendo- and insult-free conversation with Lily, so a great big fat tick can go in that box!

James

P.S. I would never date anybody whilst trying to bag Lily.

P.P.S Thanks for the update on Star Trek.

P.P.P.S What's your boyfriend's full name?

*

James,

Didn't Remus tell you that Isabelle and he are writing letters to one another? How strange. Isabelle tells me everything. Or, at least, she _did_…  
Thanks for the message to my brother. It was much appreciated, by him, and me. Mum just called the doctor, and he's coming round to take a look at Charlie. He's gotten worse. He now has developed a serious case of recurring nosebleeds, and he's turned awfully pale, despite his high fever.  
I don't think you're trying hard enough, James. That, and the fact that you aren't behaving all too friendly. To become her friend, you should have asked Lily how she was, and complimented her, as girls like compliments, and maybe you should try striking up a conversation with her about something you both like. Here's where you went wrong:

1) You immediately _assumed _that she would need help with her homework. Why would she need help?! Girls like to be treated as mature, clever, sophisticated individuals, who can do things by themselves, without the help of a man.

2) You took it as an opportunity to boast about yourself, how good you are at school, how quickly you can do your homework, etc. – this may boost your ego, but probably flattened Lily's self-respect/confidence.

Therefore, I have given you a _new _Task a) _Stop boasting about yourself_. And try to fall _out _of love with yourself a little more, so that there is some more room for Lily in your heart, and more room for somebody to fall in love with you besides yourself.  
I'd like a few more details on Task b) please. And keep up this one. You can ask Lily out when I feel you are ready, therefore she shall be momentarily pleased/shocked (after I've finished with you, she shall fancy you _like hell_.)  
I'm sorry about Slug Club. I don't think I can really help you with that one. But, I _can _help you with the book thing. You should have subtly, in a not-so-obvious way, taken a sneak peek at the book she was reading, and then surprise her by pulling out that book around her, and intently reading it, or mentioning it to Sirius or another friend near her.  
I think you should continue with the task above, and also try:  
Task d) Get to know Lily's friends – as _your _friends. This way, they will begin to tell Lily what a great person you are, and how she would be silly not to date you! But make sure you let them know that you _just want to be friends_, as if they start to fancy you, it can cause confusion, and jealousy – not the good type, and not what we want! So remember, James: GET FRIENDS ON SIDE.

Atta boy!  
Amy

P.S. Good to know!!

P.P.S Thomas Martin Moore, why?

*

Hey Amy,

Oh dear. I hope Charlie's going to be okay. I'm sure he will. Poor little guy. Give him my best.  
Task a) Successful. I managed to stop talking about myself for _a whole day_, and I have concluded that it is:  
1) Boring  
2) Difficult  
And 2) Pointless – what else is there to talk about? EVERYTHING RELATES BACK TO ME.  
Sirius Orion Black is able to confirm that I, James Robert Potter, successfully stopped boasting for a day:

I, Sirius Orion Black, confirm that James Robert Potter successfully stopped boasting for a day. And I hear that you, Amy, do not like me. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. For all YOU know, I could be the love of your life!

Sorry about that.

Task b) Here's an example of me _not _asking out Lily:

"Hey, Lily!"  
"What do _you _want, Potter?"  
"Nothing, just wondered whether you'd done the Astronomy homework? I'm a little stuck."

NOTE: Not only did I have a NORMAL CONVERSATION with her, but I also COMPLIMENTED her, by letting her know I thought that she would have done the Astronomy homework efficiently and correctly, AND I admitted that I can be wrong sometimes! HOW COOL IS THAT.

Task c) the book: Jo Joplin, by Jo Joplin.

"Hey, Sirius," I said loudly, one Potions lesson, "Have you read that new Jo Joplin novel?"  
"Who the bloody hell is Jo Joplin?" Sirius has never been the most well-read of people.  
"Just this fantastic author," I say offhandedly, "Her book's called Jo Joplin, if you're interested."  
"Nah, 'course I'm not!" Sirius said, confused as to why I was even telling him about said author.  
"Did you say Jo Joplin?" Lily demanded.  
"Sorry?" I asked innocently, looking round at her, "Why, do you like her?"  
"Yes, she's my favourite author," Lily snapped, looking away.  
"Have you read her new book?" I called over to her, recapturing her attention.  
"No, not yet," she said slowly.  
"I'll lend it to you, if you'd like," I suggested nicely. Sirius gave me a funny look.  
Lily smiled. The first true smile she's ever given me. It is a truly beautiful thing, Amy, I tell you. "Really?" she questioned.  
"Of course!" I exclaimed, as though I could never _possibly _be lying.

Which I was. I now have to go and find Jo Joplin by Jo Joplin, buy it, and have it in Lily Evans' hands by Friday. Help.

Task d) Get to know Lily's friends: semi-successful.

"Hey, Cecile!" I called across the common room yesterday.  
"What?" she asked, not as snappily as Lily would have, but impolitely all the same.  
"Do you fancy walking to Muggle Studies together? We can talk about Lily."  
"I don't take Muggle Studies," she said, frowning at first. But then she half-smiled, "Maybe some other time."

I am waiting for this 'some other time', Amy. When should it be? Should I push her, force her into a friendship with me, or wait for her to come and find _me_?

Your advice is always lovely to hear,  
James

P.S. Just wondering.

*

Dear James,

I'm at the hospital right now, waiting to hear Charlie's test results. The doctor came by yesterday, and told us that he thinks Charlie might have Leukaemia. He's showing all of the symptoms. I don't know. He could be wrong. I sure hope so. Charlie's been admitted to a ward, and they've been running tests all night. I got your letter yesterday at school, and I've only just had a chance to reply. I might not be writing for a while.

So sorry,  
Amy x

* * *

_Aww. Idk why I put that in there, as this is supposed to be a funny story... but there has to be some drama... D: Sorry.  
Review, review, review! I bet you all hated it. Man, I wish I hadn't done that.  
Love x_


	9. Remus and Isabelle

_Hope you like this chapter :D  
A little more light-hearted, ha  
Thank you so much for reviews!_

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Eight  
Remus and Isabelle**

Dear Isabelle,

CHRISTMAS WAS AMAZING AND FANTASTIC AND BRILLIANT AND WONDERFUL AND PURELY JUST AMAZING. I got so many ordinary presents! I received **money**, some **videos **and **records**, a **Lava Lamp**, a **Raleigh Chopper**, and many other wonderful things! Did you have a lovely Christmas? I hope it was as super-terrific as mine was! What presents did you get? How did you celebrate New Year's? HAPPY NEW YEAR, BY THE WAY, I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I DIDN'T WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR YET! James had a party on New Year's Eve, which was quite fun, as Sirius managed to seduce another poor victimized girl, and I managed to sort things out with my ex-girlfriend – we are now friends, which is good. How are things with you and Marcus?  
I have made a little trip to the library, Isabelle, as I like to do every now and then, but I cannot seem to find either of the novels you have suggested. Perhaps you could send them to me, or write a short yet detailed summary of the plots?  
I PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR IDEAS! I _LOVE _YOUR IDEAS ABOUT BOOKS AND YOUR FRIENDS AND PRACTICAL WORK AND EVERYTHING!  
I'm not worried about James writing to Amy about 'Quoddotch' – not at all. Heck, I hardly even remember the name of it! Silly, silly, silly.  
What things does Rhys think Marcus makes you do then? Illegal things?  
Also, do you, by any chance, like pickles?

Love,  
Remus

*

Hello Remus,

YAY FOR CHRISTMAS! I was so excited, too! You got a bicycle? ME TOO! I can't wait to go out riding! I most definitely had a good Christmas, and on New Year's Eve, I threw a party at my house! Next year, if I throw another party, you should come, and bring your friends too. Whereabouts do you live, actually, because you could be too far away? Anyway, the party was pretty fun - we had a good old laugh.  
I'm not friends with Amy anymore, or her boyfriend, Thomas – I don't know whether I told you about them? Anyway, they were very horrible to Marcus and I the other day – particularly Marcus. Thomas kept on trying to beat him up, and they were both yelling at him. He was just standing there, helplessly. It was after my brother had kicked him out of our house, you see. My brother's such an idiot for doing that. I'm not speaking to him right now, and I always go around Marcus' house after school until late at night. This angers Rhys, but there's nothing he can do about it. I'm glad to hear about you and your ex – it's always good not too leave things bitter between you. What happened with her, anyway? It's okay if you're not ready to talk about it, but it can sometimes help.  
YOU WENT TO THE _LIBRARY_? No, no, no, no, _no_, Remus! You do _not _go to the _library_! NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS ARE, YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER GO TO THE LIBRARY, YOU HEAR ME? Libraries are boring and dull, and quiet, and NOBODY LIKES THEM! If you want a book to read, go out to the bookstore and BUY ONE, and then _read it elsewhere_! Nobody likes reading in a freakish environment, with lots of others around you, whispering and hissing! Anyway, I don't really even _like _reading that much! Sorry, because it seems to be a big part of your life. I'll attach a summary of the two books in my next letter, Remus, but unfortunately I could not _possibly _send you them, as they are two of the few books in this world I _enjoy _reading, Remus – as much as I'd like to share that with you, I'm worried they'd get lost/confiscated/ruined on their way – and I really don't think it's allowed.  
Thank you for paying attention to my ideas, Remus. This warms my heart, it does.  
I believe the correct name is actually 'Quidditch', Remus, and if you misspelling it – rather obviously, if you ask me – makes you think that I'm going to fall for it, and believe that you know nothing about it, you're _wrong_! I'm on to you, Remus, you and your 'ordinary' ways!  
I think you know full well what Rhys thinks Marcus makes me do.  
I really don't like pickles, Remus, so please don't send me any.

Thanks,  
Isabelle x

*

Isabelle,

Did you tell Amy that you were writing letters to me?

Remus

*

Dear Remus,

Is there something wrong with that? I'm sorry if it upset you.  
Why was your letter so short?

Love,  
Isabelle x

-

**Name**: Trinity

**Author**: Leon Uris

**Long Description**: This book tells the story of the intertwining lives of the Larkins and O'Neills, Catholic hill farmers from the fictional town of Ballyutogue in County Donegal; the Macleods, Protestant shipyard workers from Belfast; and the Hubbles, representatives of three centuries of Anglo-Irish aristocracy.  
It also tells the story of Ireland from the Great Irish Famine of the 1840s to the Easter Rising of 1916. The book describes a number of historical events, including the Gaelic revival in the early twentieth century, and the Curragh Mutiny in which a British division's officer corps resigned en masse rather than obey an order to disarm gun-smuggling members of the Ulster Volunteer Force. In addition, this foreshadows the Partition of Ireland and the Irish Civil War in 1922-23. The book further portrays the British and Protestant elite's manipulation of religious and ethnic divides to further their own ends as well as deepen the animosity between Catholics and Protestants. The story opens with the funeral of Kilty Larkin, father of Tomas and grandfather of Conor. Amidst the ancient Irish Catholic mourning process, Conor has a vision of the town storyteller who tells Conor of the history of the Fenians, a rebel group from the early 19th century.

**Brief Summary**: In Trinity, he writes passionately about the tragedy of Ireland - from the famine of the 1840s to the Easter Rising of 1916, a powerful and stirring novel about the loves and hates, the defeats and triumphs of three families - a terrible and beautiful drama spanning more than half a century.

**Other Famous Novels by the Author**: Battleship, Exodus, Redemption, etc.

**Name**: Sleeping Murder

**Author**: Agatha Christie

**Long Description**: Sleeping Murder: Miss Marple's Last Case is a work of detective fiction by Agatha Christie. The book features her detective Miss Marple.  
Christie wrote Sleeping Murder during World War II to be published after her death, and it was most probably written during The Blitz in 1940. However, there is nothing in the text of Sleeping Murder which indicates it is Marple's last case. This book was sealed in a bank vault for over thirty years.  
"Let sleeping murder lie": This is the motto which is not obeyed by Gwenda Reed.  
Giles and Gwenda Reed are a newly married couple from New Zealand. They would like to settle down in England, and as Giles wraps up his business in New Zealand, Gwenda comes to England to look for a house and deal with the general preparation. House-hunting brings Gwenda to Dillmouth, a nice, quiet little town. There she falls in love with the Hillside, a Victorian villa recommended by the estate agent. The lady believes herself to be psychic, or going mad, as she recognises things about her new house which she couldn't possibly have known before moving there. Marple investigates, and mystery begins to unfold...

**Brief Summary**: Sleeping Murder was the last mystery featuring Miss Jane Marple to be published, appearing in 1976, the year of Agatha Christie's death. Here we meet some familiar characters, such as Miss Marple's friends Colonel and Mrs. Bantry, from the story The Body in the Library, and Raymond West, Miss Marple's famous nephew.

**Other Famous Novels by the Author**: The Big Four, Cards on the Table, Dumb Witness, Death on the Nile, Five Little Pigs, Curtain, etc.

*

Dear Isabelle,

I'm sorry if I was a little brief earlier, my friend. I was a little hurt/angry, if I'm honest with you, but I'm over it now, seeing as you apologised, and you didn't seem to realise that I didn't want my personal life displayed to the general public. The general public being James big-mouth Potter.  
Your Christmas sounded lovely, and I'd be delighted to come to your New Year's Eve party next year, but I'd rather not bring my friends. I live in Ickwell, a small village situated in Biggleswade, Bedfordshire. Where do you live? I think, instead of waiting until next year, you, James, Amy, Sirius, Thomas, and I, should all meet up some place. What do you think?  
SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!!!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO GO TO THE LIBRARY, I DIDN'T! Well, I did. I actually really like the library, and I can't see why you don't! Sirius and James hate the library as well. What's wrong with it?  
Thank you very much for your summaries, by the way, they were very helpful, and I think the Agatha Christie novel sounds very promising.  
To quote a gangster, I dunno nothing about no Quidditch! Basically, Isabelle, what I _mean _to say here, is that I don't know _anything _about Quidditch. But of course, a gangster would never say it so politely, you see?  
Now, you say you don't like pickles, Isabelle, but have you really tried them? I don't think you have. You may argue back, yelling 'I HAVE TRIED THEM, I HAVE!' but what I _mean _here is this: sometimes, I find that if I try something three times, I start to like it! For example, with pickles! My mother made me try a pickle one week, and I thought '_ugh_, how disgusting!' and then the next week, I was dared to try a pickle _again_, by Sirius, and I didn't want to make a fuss, so I ate it and thought '_eugh_', but the next time we had pickles, I found myself thinking 'mmm, pickles!' for some weird reason. So, I ate the pickles, and I very much enjoyed them. See?  
James was being really weird today. He kept going on and on about _not _talking about himself – which, as I pointed out to him, is entirely defeating the object (boasting about not talking about yourself when you're supposed to _not _be talking about yourself…) but obviously he ignored me, and Sirius didn't seem to see it that way, so I lost that little debate. And _then_, to make matters _weirder_/_worse_, I think he might fancy _Cecilia Jenkins _– Lily's best friend! He keeps making a huge effort to talk to her, and hang out with her, and every time I ask him about it, he just gives me this mysterious little smile, which aggravates me to no end! Even Sirius won't tell me what James is up to! Either that or he doesn't know/care. Maybe you should ask Amy what James is talking about? She might know, and I'm sure she'd love to have a talk with you. Plus, it would be a huge favour to me. Best friends shouldn't fight, Isabelle, and it is evident that you miss her.

Love,  
Remus

*

Dear Remus,

I'm glad you forgive me, Remus, as I really am sorry. I didn't realise we weren't telling our friends about our pen-pals, it's just Amy told me all about James, so I thought it silly not to tell her about you, since you're such a great person, Remus. You're so easy to talk to. Anyway, I suppose I should have asked you first. Again, sorry.  
I know where Bedfordshire is, it's actually rather close to where I live! We all go to a school called Bromfield High, as I am sure you have already gathered, which is in central London. I live in Greenwich. Since I live in such a large city, I'm curious – what's it like living in a village? Cosy, I'll bet. I'd trade it for London, any day of the week. Well, not nighttimes actually, as they're pretty cool in London. I suppose it's quiet in Ickwell. I really don't think it would be the best idea for us to meet up, Remus. I can hardly stand seeing Amy in school, let alone go out for a whole day with her! You, James, Sirius, Marcus, and I could meet up though? That'd be fun. Plus, don't Sirius and Thomas hate each other, so why would he agree to going out with us all? And Amy's always said she thinks Sirius sounds conceited and rude. Really, it wouldn't work with those two coming with us.  
I just don't like the silence in the library. I don't like the restriction. You aren't allowed to eat, or sleep, or breathe, or even _think_. I hate rules.  
Agatha Christie's a very good author. They should make her books into films! Imagine that, watching something I've loved and read on my own video player! That'll be the day. I wish they'd make books _I _like into films.  
Are you asking me to eat pickles three times? Because I'll do it, Remus, I just want to be sure.  
I really do not miss Amy. I wish I could help you out with James, but I don't think I can. Why don't you try asking Sirius again? That's not so great about James maybe fancying Lily's friend, though, Remus. I can't really see him fancying her though, because everybody seems to say that he is smitten with Lily, so why would he suddenly turn to her best friend?  
Amy wasn't at school today. God knows why. She's probably broken a nail, or something. She's such a drama queen, that one.

Love,  
Isabelle x

* * *

_Credit to wikipedia and some other website for the descriptions and summaries.  
And also for a list of popular items in the '70s!  
Thank you so much for reviewing, your reviews make my day :D so I have updated earlier than I usually do. I was happy to hear your positive thoughts on the Charlie-thing, and I'm glad to see that you don't hate the idea at all.  
Reviews will always be welcome :)  
And also, if anybody has any ideas or suggestions for anything, that'd be great too :)  
Love x_


	10. Lily and Mark

_AS IF I JUST DID THAT, WITH THE CHAPTERS. SORRY!  
Hope you enjoy this, sorry for the long break in updates.  
Read and review :)))))_

_

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**Chapter Nine  
Lily and Mark**

Dear Mark,

It's a long, complicated, drawn-out thing with me and Severus. You really don't want to know about it all.  
Christmas was relatively fun. Is that why you went on holiday, for Christmas? James Potter threw a party on New Year's Eve, but I left before midnight, because my parents wanted me home just in time for the New Year. Plus, I didn't want Potter cornering me and kissing me, now, did I? He had a party last year, and I did the same thing. I guess I'm pretty depressed right now, because my best friend Cecile didn't come back to school today.  
Potter was being weirder than usual today. He actually called me by my first name, which is unusual. Because I thought he might be trying to make an effort to be proper friends with me, instead of being a smarmy git, I actually fell for it and sat down to eat lunch with him and his mates. And then, of course, he asked me out on a date. I think I said something funny about the Giant Squid. I don't know, I've had to turn him down so many times it all just blurs into one. It's really late at night, as well, and I'm writing this by candlelight. Cliché or what?  
I hope you had a nice holiday. Where did you go?

Yours faithfully,  
Lily

P.S. Please don't call me Lils. It reminds me of Sirius Black, when he thinks he's being amusing, and that we're getting along.

*

Hello again,

So I guess you're still on holiday. Either that or you're bored of me. Just thought I'd write to you, since I don't have a diary and Cecile is still absent from school. Cecile wouldn't understand, anyway. She doesn't mind Potter. She doesn't have to put up with what I do.  
Anyway, so he's been behaving like a real idiot this week. He started off by doubting my intelligence, asking me whether I need _help _with my homework – the cheek of it! It's just because he thinks he's God's gift when it comes to the homework I was doing at the time. I'm really good at Chemistry, but I don't go around asking people whether they need any help with it just to show off! I was doing fine by myself! Next, he like, sort of, basically ignored me, like, the whole week. Well, not ignored me, but he... well, he didn't ask me out. Not once! You'd think I'd be grateful, and, well, I am, but... has he gone off me, or something? I don't know, it's just making me slightly self-conscious. Well, thank God, I guess I should be saying. And then, I'm guessing he tried to join Slug Club, because Professor Slughorn was cracking jokes about it throughout the whole of the meeting on Thursday. Not _mean _jokes, like, I don't think James would be offended, just... jokes. Oh, and he also tried to molest me in the library! Well, not molest me, but pester me about the book I was reading, which is basically the same thing! Our conversation went something like this...

I was sitting in the library, reading _Pests & Parachutes_, by my favourite author, Jo Joplin, when James marches over to me, and loudly plonks himself in the chair next to me, uninvited!  
"What're you reading?" he asked rudely, his voice far too high a volume in such a quiet place.  
I covered my book carefully, replying, "Why?" I had the right to know; it was _my _book, after all!  
And then Potter spouted some garbage about how he wanted to know a few good books to read, and he liked good books, or something, bla de bla de bla.  
"Potter, will you leave me alone?" I think I interrupted at some point.  
"Lily," he moaned, "Can you please just tell me the title of your book?"  
"No, you arrogant fool, now _go away_!" I said, glaring at him.  
"LILY, TELL ME THE NAME OF YOUR BOOK NOW!"

Obviously, I was shocked at this violent outburst. It clearly shows the type of person he is. He has revealed his true colours at last, and I am quite disgusted. Though, it is hardly surprising. Of course, I gave him my most horrified glance, and exited the library at once. Madam Pince did not seem too pleased with him. Result!

Hope you're having fun wherever you are,  
Lily

*

Lily,

Sorry, sorry, sorry! I got back from holiday ages ago – day before New Year's – but I just haven't had a chance to write, been too busy! That, and I haven't really been checking the mailbox at school for your letters. Sorry, sorry, sorry! I just forgot. Hope you can forgive me. Replies will follow.

Letter 1

Your party sounded fun. Like I said, I was at home for New Year's Eve, and I went to my friend's house, as there was a party being held there. I got awfully drunk, and had a jolly good time.  
Potter sounds really annoying. He seems like such an irritating twerp. Honestly, I can sort him out for you, if you want. All it'll take is five minutes...  
I went to Dubai, with my parents, my older sister, and her boyfriend. It wasn't that great. Pretty uneventful, if I'm honest.  
I promise I won't call you 'Lils' anymore. Who was Sirius Black again?

Letter 2

Have you ever thought that maybe you like this Potter kid? I mean, you're _always _talking about him – seriously, your letters are _filled _with stuff about him – and the second he stopped asking you on dates you noticed straight away, and you're feeling unloved because of it. Clearly, you want to date this guy. Which is, you know, another great self-esteem booster for me.  
You're always talking about books, authors, musicians, etc. who I have never heard of in my life. You'd think I would've heard of _one _of them. Are you just into all the really weird types?  
As much as I hate the sound of Potter, you overreacted just a little bit. When he 'yelled' at you. I really don't think that this was _that _inappropriate. You _were _withholding supposedly-important information from him, to be fair. He might have wanted to buy a book by that author for you for your birthday? And he so desperately wanted to please you, but you just wouldn't let him. Like, whatever, though, because I'm not on his side here.

There you go. Replies, replies, replies, for you, my lovely.

Love,  
Mark

*

Hello Mark,

Cecile's back! If you're interested. She went skiing in Austria with her family over the winter, and apparently it was just _so _amazing that she couldn't _possibly _leave. Anyway, her parents eventually dragged her home – after actually contemplating _moving _there. Well, her mother does like a good skiing trip... Anyway, so now I have somebody to talk to, I WON'T BE BOTHERING YOU SO MUCH ANYMORE. Which, I am sure, you will be happy about, since it would've been pretty easy for you to gain access to the mail at your school. But, whatever, I'm not one to judge. I don't hold grudges.  
How can you get awfully drunk _and _have a jolly good time _at the same time_? Every time I get drunk – which really isn't that often – it either ends in disaster, and me doing something terrible/regrettable, or it ends in a _splitting headache _the next day.  
Please don't 'sort out' Potter for me. I wouldn't want to see you get hurt. Saying this, I'm not trying to offend your masculinity by saying you couldn't take Potter – I'd say it'd probably be a fair fight, although I don't really know what you look like – it's just his best friend, Sirius Black (the one you were wondering about?) has a tendency to get in there, and he's rather muscular, or whatever, and even _trying _to take on both of them would _destroy you forever_. Seriously, I mean, not just in the physical way. You would never emotionally get over the wounds to your self-esteem, self-respect, self-confidence, etc.  
Dubai's such a lovely country. I'm sure it was fabulous.  
I DO NOT LIKE POTTER HOW YOU COULD EVEN SUGGEST THIS MONSTROSITY OF AN ACCUSATION OR WHATEVER! YOU DISGUST ME. Honestly, I – do _not _– _love _– Potter. HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THE FACT THAT MAYBE I TALK ABOUT HIM SO MUCH BECAUSE I HATE HIM SO MUCH THAT IT ACTUALLY SHOCKS ME SOMETIMES? I NEVER KNOW I WOULD HAVE IT IN ME TO HATE SOMEBODY THIS MUCH. Why would it matter to you whether I fancied Potter, anyway?  
I'm not into the really weird types of music, books, etc. I like people like the Jackson Five too – I'm sure you've heard of them.  
I didn't overreact at all. Potter was behaving irrationally and ridiculously and I had every right to be shocked/surprised/angry/hurt.  
Thought of the day: SIRIUS BLACK AND JAMES POTTER ARE ABSOLUTE MORONS. THAT'S RIGHT, MORONS.  
Apology of the day: I'm very sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm becoming very aggressive and angry these days. And I promised you I'd talk to Cecile about these things and stop bothering you. Sorry.  
Back to the Sirius-and-James-being-morons thing. They're so ridiculous. They think that – ugh, just – JAMES IS SUCH AN IDIOT. Talking about yourself _not _talking about yourself IS TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF. As annoying as this may be, Potter behaved almost human today. He asked me whether I'd done the Astronomy homework, as he needed help – yes, James Potter admitted that _he _needed help! I thought I'd never live to see the day.  
Potter was also a little nice in Chemistry today. He offered to lend me a book which he knows I like. I found this both kind and sweet. I gave him a smile. That is all he is getting.  
Though, all this sweetness-and-niceness was ruined, as Potter keeps continually chatting away to Cecile, as though they're good old buddies. THEY ARE NOT GOOD OLD BUDDIES. They wouldn't even _know _each other properly if it weren't for me being best friends with Cecile and James obsessing over me! Ok, fair enough, they're in the same house, they have the same classes – WHATEVER. And now they're all excluding me, being all best friends – what's _that _all about?! Cecile _knows _I hate James! Why would she befriend somebody I hate?! I don't go around befriending... somebody _she _hates!  
Sorry, this letter was slightly rant-worthy.

Love,  
Lily

*

Dear Lily,

Actually, there is no _possible _way of me accessing my school mail, as the school mail is generally not in the position which I would normally pass by, _therefore _unless I _remember _about your letters, I have no way of seeing them by chance. I'm sorry that I was busy, and that I didn't remember your letters, but make no mistake, I did _not _ignore them.  
Drunkenness is funny. Being drunk = fun.  
I'm pretty sure I could take both Potter _and _Black, and then still have the energy to run around high-fiving every single person in your school.  
Ok, ok, you don't love Potter! Excuse _me_!  
I don't get you. You begin your 'rant' saying that Potter and Black are two of the biggest morons etc. etc., and then all of a sudden it's like POTTER'S REALLY NICE TO ME, POTTER OFFERED TO LEND ME A BOOK, OOH, I SMILED AT POTTER. What the hell, Lily?! You're like, really... what's that word? Fickle? I think it's fickle. Like, no offence, but seriously. It's the truth.  
Plus, to add to the case of you-loving-James, you are _jealous _of him and Cecile. That's right, the word 'jealous' has now been brought into the equation. This changes everything.

Love,  
Mark

P.S. Sorry if my writing's a little messy/scribbly, it's just that I am so angry I can hardly write right now. My stupid sister won't get out the shower when she _knew _I was about to go in! And I just spent half my time and most of my voice yelling at her, and she _still went in _and now I am _never _going to have time to finish writing this letter, do my homework – for once, go in the shower, _and _do a hundred press-ups before midnight!

* * *

_Jeez, Mark is so up himself. And not in a cool way, like Sirius. Or me.  
Haha, hope you likeeed. Lol, Severus/Jackie next. That'll be short, short, short, baby.  
I have a blog now; .  
Follow me? That would be fun.  
Love you lots, thank you for reviews & story alerts & favourite author/story etc. Much appreciated, keep it up xxx _


	11. Severus and Jackie

_Sorry for lack of update! Internet connection on both mine & my sister's laptops broke, and the computer's mouse broke! Of all the bad luck! Anyway, thanks for reviews, and I hope you enjoy!_

_

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**Chapter Ten  
Severus and Jackie**

Muggle,

WIZARDS ARE REAL. YOU JUST HAVEN'T HEARD OF THEM BEFORE, YOU STUPID MUGGLE.

Severus

*

Dear Severus,

My family don't celebrate Christmas, but I had a lovely holiday anyway, thank you for asking. It was very eventful. Instead of telling you all about the wonderful party which I wasn't invited to on New Year's Eve, I'll tell you all about the... interesting gathering I _was _invited to, which would probably be the wisest option. It was at my auntie's house, and there was the most peculiar boy there. He's a distant cousin of mine, twice removed or something. He had the darkest, greasiest black hair, and he kept coming out with the oddest comments. The thing is, Severus, he reminded me an awful lot like you. He's a major fan of Star Trek, I think it's called. Are you a fan of Star Trek? You seem to me like you are a fan of Star Trek. I reckon that there are all sorts of 'beings' in Star Trek, possibly even wizards. Therefore, this is where you get the idea of you-being-a-wizard from. I am supposing that there are 'muggles' in Star Trek as well? Maybe I should watch Star Trek? I am sure that it will help me to understand you a little better. So, as of now, the first thing on my to-do list is:

Number 1) Watch Star Trek

A few other things include:

Number 2) Join the Debate Club

Number 3) Hand in my Geography assignment early

And number 4) Ask Mrs. Howard what I could possibly do for extra-credit in Mathematics.

These are just a few things on my to-do list, and I am sure that they do not interest you in the slightest, so I shall stop telling you about my daily life now.  
Though, just in case you care, I want to join the Debate Club because two girls from my class are on the Debate team, and I know for a fact that the 'coolest' kid in the year used to go, so I am going to Debate Club in the hope that it will:

a) Make me more popular

b) Help me make some friends.

I have to hand in my Geography assignment early because I feel that these things are a first-come-first-serve type of thing. What I mean to say is that if I hand in my report early, my teacher will read it first, and therefore he will not be bored so much by the amount of reports he has read that he won't read it properly, or grade it to its full potential. Therefore, I will get the best mark I possibly can by handing it in early. I try to make a habit of handing in all of my reports, assignments, and essays in early.  
I need extra-credit in Mathematics just in case I fail my next test. I don't really think I _will _fail my next test, as I feel I'm quite clever in Mathematics, but just in case I do. Also, the boy who sits next to me – Marcus – likes to copy off me in Mathematics, and if I make an extra effort, Mrs. Howard won't suspect _me _of copying off _him_.

Finally, we have reached the end of my letter. I hope you found it both enjoyable and readable.  
Adieu, adieu, adieu  
Jackie x

*

Do you think I care about your pathetic muggle ways? Well, I have a lesson for you here, now, muggle. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR LOSER LIFESTYLE, ABOUT HOW YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS, YOU WILL NEVER BE POPULAR, AND YOU HAND IN YOUR PATHETIC, SAD REPORTS EARLY. I'm sorry, but _what kind of a person hands in their reports early_?! A person who _clearly _has _too much _time on their hands! AND WHO WANTS TO CORRESPOND WITH A LOSER LIKE THAT? NOT ME.

Severus

*

Dear Severus,

I completed my to-do list, and I watched Star Trek. I have now learnt that there are no muggles in Star Trek. There are no wizards. There are no spells. There are no classes called 'Potions' – which you wrote about in your first letter, for your information.  
I joined the Debate Club, and I have so concluded that it is:

a) A waste of my time.

b) A waste of my effort.

c) Boring.

d) Not a place where the cool kids go to hang out.

e) Not a place where there are nice, kind, loving people who want to make friends.

f) Not a place for me.

So therefore, I am never going to Debate Club again.  
I handed in my Geography assignment early, and the result of this, was yet another _A_. I am quite happy with my result, though I would like to push for an _A*_.  
I asked Mrs. Howard what I could possibly do for extra-credit in Mathematics, and she told me that I should 'get out more'. I have so concluded that Mrs. Howard is:

a) Trying to relive her sad life through her students.

b) Unfair and cruel.

c) Stupid.

d) A bad teacher.

So therefore, I will no longer talk to Mrs. Howard until it is necessary to do so, and after I have finished this letter, I shall head on over to the headmaster's office to complain about her low teaching standards. I am under the impression that Mrs. Howard and Dr. King had an on-going relationship last year, but she ended it due to her love for another teacher, Mr. Boatman. Therefore, it should not be easy to persuade Dr. King to fire that awful woman.

In my next letter, I shall be informing you all about my run-in with Dr. King.  
Au revoir, mon ami,

Jackie x

*

Ok, so your letter wasn't fun to read. I'm sure it was even less fun to write. So why don't you stop writing to me now, muggle? I ALREADY HAVE BLACK AND POTTER TO TORTURE ME, I DO NOT NEED YOU AS WELL. I shall not be even opening your next letter. I hope this puts you off.

Adios non-amigo,  
Severus

*

Dear Severus,

Why don't you stop writing first? Ha.  
I went over to the headmaster's office, and this is how it went:

I knocked on the door, and once he had uttered, "Come in," I responded by doing so. He asked me to sit down on entering, and so I did. He offered me a slice of lemon tart. I politely declined. This was a business meeting.  
"Why have you come here today, Jacqueline?" Dr. King asked me. I hate the fact that teachers use my full name. But I was not one to detest, or behave rudely, so I ignored this.  
"I would like to submit a formal complaint," I began, "Against one of the teachers at this school."  
"You would?" he asked, seeming quite amused.  
"Yes," I said, firmly but respectfully, "Please," I added.  
"Ok. Which one?" Dr. King said, sounding rather jolly.  
"Erm, Mrs. Howard," I said, slightly more uncertain now.  
"Mrs. Howard!" he exclaimed happily, "What has she done this time?"  
"Erm, well... when I asked her what I could possibly do for extra-credit in Mathematics, she told me to 'get out more'," I told him quietly.  
"And what would you like me to do about this?" he asked, but not in a sarcastic, or rude way.  
"Well, I would really like you to fire her, or perhaps issue her with a warning?" I suggested, quite fairly, in my opinion. She really deserved to be dropped from the top of a building.  
"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. This really isn't serious enough to destroy a person's life over. Unless... she's not, bullying you in some way, is she? Are there other things she has done to you? Do not feel afraid to speak. Everything said in this office is entirely confidential. There must be something," he pressed. I told him, regrettably, that there was nothing.

I'm a little confused, Severus, and I was thinking maybe you could help me out a little? Was Dr. King asking me to _lie _about Mrs. Howard? Surely this cannot be correct. Dr. King would never be so illegitimate. I don't know. I'll have to take this up with the Deputy.

I'll send you a report on how I my meeting with the Deputy Head went in my next letter.  
Love,  
Jackie xx

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_Enjoy?  
Reviews would be so lovely._


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